November 17, 2015

18 Dudes Describe What It’s Like To Get A Bad Blowjob And What Makes It So Terrible

Report This Article
What is the issue?
via Shutterstock
via Shutterstock

1. “Like getting socks on Christmas Day.”

—Darrel, 24

beetlejuice

2. “There’s really nothing more tragic than a bad blowjob. There are a lot of reasons it could be bad but, in the moment, the realization that you’d rather be changing your oil than receiving the blow job that’s being thrust upon you is enough to make you question your whole life, your sexual orientation, whether you left the stove on, everything really.”

—Mark, 26

beetlejuice

3. “Usually when it’s bad, bad, bad it’s related to teeth being used. I’m not sure how a girl can’t tell when she’s banging her teeth with some dick, I’m really not. I mean, you brush your teeth, right? You know when the brush is hitting your teeth, you can feel it. I don’t understand this.”

—Scott, 22

beetlejuice

4. “I’ve only had one blowjob that I would say was terrible and it was because she had a tiny, elfin mouth. Like, I had soooo many fantasies about that cute mouth and when the moment came it was like sticking my dick in a pencil sharpener.”

—Isaiah, 27

beetlejuice

5. “It never fails, girls who say they love giving head the most are always the worst at it. In my experience, the ones that don’t like it have learned how to get it over with quickly but girls who ‘love it’ just like lick on it and stare at you and shit. Please don’t just stare at me and lick my dick. This isn’t a staring contest.”

—Marvin, 21

beetlejuice

6. “Some blowjobs hurt but some have just been annoying. I hooked up with one girl who was obsessed with not getting hair in her mouth and would stop every few seconds to like make sure there wasn’t any getting in there. I’m like, my genitals are mostly covered in hair, maybe it’s the male body you actually don’t like. Anyway, a blowjob has to have flow and stopping every few seconds to sort of complain about hair destroys the experience.”

—Josh, 25

beetlejuice

7. “A lot of girls do not understand how a penis works at all. They don’t know where it’s sensitive or where it isn’t sensitive. I’ve had a few girls just lick my shaft over and over and then look at me and ask ‘do you like that?’ I mean, no, you aren’t doing anything that feels particularly good. This woman was literally 30 years old. There’s no hope for her ever being good at it.”

—Bret, 28

beetlejuice

8. “A little enthusiasm is pretty necessary. The worst ones I’ve had were given by girls who seemed to be trying to seem bored so that I’d ask them to stop. Wish granted!”

—Howard, 24

beetlejuice

9. “Okay, I’m going to give your readers the real deal. Ladies, if you don’t swallow or do something dirty with the cum then we’re going to be disappointed. Jacking us off in your hand or on our own stomachs after a joyous blowjob is just about the most high school thing ever.”

—David, 27

beetlejuice

10. “I don’t mean to be mean because I will always appreciate a girl being willing to blow me but there have been a few that were really ruined by the girl absolutely not listening to what I said I liked and I don’t even mean anything weird. I just mean basic stuff like ‘use your hands.'”

—Nathan, 22

beetlejuice

11. “I dated one girl for a few months and the first time she gave me head I literally wondered if she’d ever done it before. I understand first times are always nervous so I thought things would get better. They never did. She insisted on always doing this stupid thing where she’d poke the inside of her cheek with my dick. I guess this was supposed to be a visual thing but it didn’t do anything for me and she refused to stop doing it. It was like she was more interested in posing with my dick for some nonexistent camera than actually getting me off.”

—Rob, 26

beetlejuice

12. “Here’s what happened:

Me: ‘Spit on it more.’
Her: ‘I don’t like when there’s a lot of spit everywhere.’
Me: ‘It will make it wetter though.’
Her: ‘Yeah, but it’s gross.”

She then proceeded to slowly tear the skin off my dick for five minutes until I asked her to stop.”

—Karl, 24

beetlejuice

13. “Um, if you can’t deepthroat then don’t force yourself to try. Had one girl do this and it clearly hurt her throat terribly. It hurt my dick terribly too but she wouldn’t stop trying aaaaand eventually she vomited on me.

What a great evening that turned out to be.”

—Joey, 25

beetlejuice

14. “My main complaint is women with heavy hands who don’t seem to know how hard or light they’re squeezing and who seem completely unaware that they have back teeth. Seriously, think about it, what if I just alternated gnawing your nipples and sucking them while slapping your tits? Would that be an experience you’d be excited to have?”

—Alvin, 28

beetlejuice

15. “Just swallow, I almost don’t care what else you do. Just do that and I’ll be happy. Sorry, I don’t have a lot else to add.”

—Dirk, 20

beetlejuice

16. “The thing most likely to make a blowjob mediocre and forgettable or even unpleasant is the notion that some women have that there’s no wrong way to give a blowjob and that guys are just so lucky to receive them. I’ve received blowjobs from dozens of women. The only ones I remember were where the lady cared about whether or not it felt good.”

—Nicholas, 30

beetlejuice

17. “Blowjobs are where you figure out whether or not you have a selfish lover. If she doesn’t like to give them because of the taste then you’ve probably got a dead fish on your hands. I figure there’s a lot of reasons not to like giving blowjobs but after going down on my fair share of women just days removed from their menses, without complaint I might add, ‘I don’t like the taste of your very clean dick’ becomes a weak excuse.”

—Rick, 29

beetlejuice

18. “Don’t use your teeth. Do incorporate your hand or hands. Do get it wet. Don’t stop a lot. Most girls have this stuff all figured out but it seems like a lot of those that don’t simply do not care to do it right.”

—Jason, 27 TC mark

Read This