1. You have a lot of acquaintances, but consider very few people to be your “friends.”
It’s not that you’re bad people with people (more on that later) and bad at meeting people, it just that you don’t…really like anyone. You find very few people who you feel like would actually add something to your life to the point of wanting them in it. You probably brush shoulders with and meet a lot of people, but keeping them around is an entirely different story.
2. You’re unreasonably personable, but are also easily annoyed.
You know how to be good with people, you know how to put on a smile. You can be polite and personable with the best of them…especially while internally seething because someone asked and insanely idiotic question. It’s pretty easy to turn you off, even if you’re making a mental note to never like someone again while nodding along to a story you care zero point zero percent about.
3. Your best friend is used to having to “bitch proof” your text and email responses to people who don’t know you well enough.
Normal convos are as follows:
You: “Hi. I wrote an email and I’m worried that Hugh is going to flip out because it’s not attached to a hug and a blanket. Can you check it for me?”
It’s not that you mean to be read as curt and cold, you just aren’t really interested in coddling anyone’s feelings as much as you’re interested in getting information sent out as quickly and efficiently as possible. It’s not YOUR fault that people can be so goddamn sensitive.
4. Small talk and “catching up” is your literal 10th circle of hell.
It’s already highly likely that you don’t really love the idea of making general, “What have you been up to?” chit chat, even with people who you do find able to tolerate. But the idea of doing it with random friends-of-friends, acquaintances, or even worse – strangers? Awful. You barely care about what your cousin with the brand new baby has been up to, much less Jenn and her almost-boyfriend who maybe went to Zion. It’s basically nails on a chalkboard to you. Nail on a chalkboard that you have to tolerate with a lot of tedious smiles and head nods.
5. Every day you wonder how some people exist in the world without dying due to their stupidity.
Whoever said there’s no such thing as a stupid question probably asked a lot of stupid questions.
It’s MIND-BLOWING that a vast majority of human beings can walk around in the world and not get hit by a car or just be generally taken out due to their sheer idiocy. Mind blowing. Like Neil Degrasse Tyson should investigate it and help those poor, poor souls out.
6. You’ve ended up at a party where you realize you don’t like a single person there, yet somehow everyone is trying to talk to you.
It’s so great to be the person that everyone is gravitating towards…except when you literally don’t want to talk to anyone because they’re so infuriatingly awful. Sure, you can put on a show with the best of ’em. But that doesn’t mean you WANT to. You’re probably making small talk and cracking jokes through gritted teeth, just counting down the minutes until you can Irish Goodbye.
7. You’re often described as “not as mean as you think” or “nice once you get to know them.”
You live life with perpetual case of RBF and dry wit. You hate putting unnecessary exclamation points not only in emails, but in the way you talk. It’s just not who you are and apparently, that makes you seem cold, curt, and..well..mean. You definitely warm up to people eventually, it just takes you longer than the average human.
8. You’ve had to apologize for coming off the wrong way more than once.
You said something more bluntly or bitchily than you actually meant it, and it ended up stinging someone in way that you didn’t intend it to. It’s not like you actually meant it that way, you just don’t really think about feelings that often since you yourself do not have them. It’s a problem. You’re working on it. (You’re not really working on it.)
9. You take the idea of “no new friends” maybe a little too seriously.
It’s just that…you HAVE friends. You have enough people in your life. And the idea of spending all that time and energy you could be expending elsewhere on someone who might not even turn out to be that great? It’s just honestly ugh to you.
10. But conversely, you’re not really that worried about being perceived as “nice.”
If someone doesn’t like you it’s whatever. One less person you have to tiptoe around and worry about if you need to include exclamation points and non-ironic emojis when you text them!!😍😍
11. You often feel misunderstood and misinterpreted by other people.
You’re constantly called “intimidating” and “scary” and “difficult to read” by people who don’t know you very well. It’s one of the reasons you don’t put forth effort with that many people. If they’re already jumping to conclusions about you, why try to a certain extent to change their minds? But you’d be lying if you didn’t admit that it doesn’t slightly annoy you how people misinterpret you all the time. What are you supposed to do about it? Smiling more is not in the cards.
12. But you’re an incredibly loyal, throw down type of friend once you’re close with someone.
Someone comes after or for a person who you love in the crevasses of your little, black heart? Hell. No. You will defend the people you love to the ends of the earth. The only person who gets to make sarcastic jokes and burns at your friends is you. Anyone else has crossed a line and you’ll consider them a mortal enemy for-pretty-much-ever after that. H8ers take note.