Recently I was sitting in my usual coffee shop accompanied by my very best friend who, bless her, looked at me mid-conversation and asked, point blank: have you ever gone down on a weird smelling vagina? So brunch took an unexpected turn. But she was a curious little kitten, and so I answered all of her seemingly pressing questions about the land of lady loving.
To be perfectly honest, this isn’t unusual. I am out to my family and friends and coworkers, and so they do just ask questions now and again– mostly innocently, just because they’re curious. I am bisexual, though I fall more “gay” on the spectrum than I do straight, and regardless I hate to label it, but you know, society and shit. So people have lots of questions about that too: are you sure that’s real? Are you in a phase? Are you going to become gay or straight when you grow up? You want to end up with a guy though, right?
I’m not really an expert on the topic, but I’ve been sleeping with girls since I was 17, and I know I had tons of questions for people when I first figured out that when someone makes your heart pound really hard and you want to kiss them and hold them and touch them that means you like them and are probably a wee bit gay. So from one occasional novice to another, here are some things you no longer have to probe your lesbians gal pals about (ALL THE SEX PUNS).
1. How do you… you know… do it?
I don’t understand how you don’t know how we, you know, do it. Use your imagination. Look it up online. We do everything anybody else does, with hands and mouths and whatever the fuck else we want to throw all up in there. “But do you, you know, miss penises? I couldn’t do it, I like dick too much.” Oh… okay… good for you? Because I realize that by asking how we do it you are implying how we could ever possibly get by without a penis, and let me clue you in to something amazing: having (essentially) a rod like thing thrust in and out of you is good, don’t get me wrong, but usually the curl of a perfectly placed finger is much, much better, as you probably know or can imagine.
2. Which one of you is “the boy”?
Neither. We’re lesbians. Another crazy concept: we do not need a male/masculine figure to make our relationship legitimate. I realize that, in reality, some lesbians have a more masculine appearance — by choice or even just naturally — but that doesn’t really mean anything about who they are or how they behave in a relationship or what “role” they take.
3. What is scissoring? What does it accomplish? Is it real?
Scissoring is essentially grinding/thrusting/humping especially when it’s vag on vag. Now, this is not something that people universally agree on as being a great experience, but when it’s good, I imagine it’s hella good. Either way, yes, it’s real, and it accomplishes arousal if not orgasms. Some couples do, some couples don’t, whatever.
4. Is it weird to have friends who are girls? Are you ever attracted to your friends who are girls? How do they feel about it?
Much like you, proverbial straight creature of the night, are not attracted to every human with a dick limb that walks by you, I am not attracted to every girl who walks by me. So, in short, no. I don’t look at them in that way. It isn’t weird. I talk about my girl crushes and they talk about their boy crushes and it’s just like anybody else’s conversation. That is an issue for some people, some girls are genuinely weirded out by lesbians but my friends aren’t because I am not friends with assholes.
5. Is it sooo cool to have two closets and more makeup and shit?
I’m actually going to be honest about this one — sometimes, yeah. Totally. But it’s not the reason we’re dating, and it’s not a staple of what makes our relationship great. More realistically, you are assuming we are both into the same kinds of “girly” stuff, we wear the same size, would ever want to wear each other’s clothes, and are kind of making our relationship out to seem like one big best friend sleepover. That’s not it at all. We don’t have our first kiss and ask each other out and be like “oh my god we can share clothes now *giggle giggle giggle*.”
6. But… you’re so pretty! You wear dresses. What?! Why?!
7. But… you… but you… dated guys? What?
Here is a crazy nugget of wisdom about life that I think you should know: Sexuality can be, and usually is, fluid. Sometimes you can experiment, sometimes you can do things like have sex with someone for a thousand other reasons aside from the one that matters: whether or not you are actually attracted to them. And that, right there, is for you, and only you, to decide. As a decent human being in 2014 (woah, 2014?) you have to accept what people tell you they are. Because maybe that’s what they’re comfortable with you knowing right now. Because you are in no position to be assuming what someone is or isn’t.
8. And finally, the weird smelling vagina thing (and all vagina questions from here-on-out).
Do I care about an unshaved vagina? No but I’m sure there are some assholes out there that do. Here’s the thing: the frequency with which we bring up pubic hair is startling, because it says so much about us. Our society tends to tell us that bare is the current ideal, and in some ways, I can understand that. Having your mouth literally all over that can be unpleasant, but at the same time, it also kind of looks like you’re fucking a twelve year old, so.
Re: the weird tasting vagina thing, I mean, no? Well, maybe, but it hasn’t bothered me. A person is a person. Come back and ask me if a “weird vagina” bothers me after you’ve had a guy’s semen in your mouth because oh my god it’s… it’s rough sometimes. But you do it either way because you care about the person and want them to feel good. It’s no different any which way– or with any which person– you do it.