5 Reasons Why It Would Be Awesome To Have A Boyfriend Right Now
1. You’d have someone to go home with for the holidays
I’m sorry but going home for Christmas when you’re single is the pits. Not only do you have to sit through a constant barrage of questioning about your romantic prospects (“Do you have a great love in your life?” is how my grandmother greets me now. There’s no easing into it. She immediately just goes there because she’s old and she can), but also because you have someone to commiserate with during all of the tense moments. Also, hello, the sex. Last year, I went to Cape Cod with my family and EVERYONE brought their significant other, which literally made me the ninth wheel. I was so jealous at nighttime when everyone would retire to their bedrooms together and I’d just be like, “OK, I’m on the pullout because I’m the only one who came alone. Good night!”
2. You’d have someone to pick you up from the airport…forever
There’s nothing more depressing than traveling 3,000 miles and then realizing no one will pick you up from the airport. It’s like, really? Are my relationships that paper-thin? If I had a BF, I’d have a guaranteed ride. Why? Because if you lick someone’s balls, swallow their cum and wash their dirty underwear, the least they can do is trudge through traffic and circle around for 20 minutes.
3. You could stop worrying if you’re unlovable
If someone loves you, it solves the conundrum, doesn’t it? You don’t have to deal with this void inside of your heart anymore and wonder if someone will stop and decide that you’re worth loving. I mean, you know you’re worth loving, which is perhaps why the whole thing is so depressing. Why can’t anyone see in you what you can see already? Are you secretly delusional or have you really just not met the right person yet? Ugh, you hate asking yourself these questions to begin with. It reduces you to a loveless cliche.
4. Reoccurring sex
Don’t get me wrong, having sex with a variety of different people can be fun. You learn a lot about human nature when you get to see how people behave in bed and if you can handle the piñata of emotions that come along with it, then you should go for it! But there’s something to be said for monogamy, for getting to know one body so well that you have it down to a science. With a single touch, you can send someone barreling towards ecstasy. When I was with my last boyfriend, we had gotten into such a groove with one another. No one knew me as well as he did. It felt amazing. I can’t wait for the next body I get to know as intimately as I did with his. SOMEONE GET MY TREASURE MAP. MAMA’S GOING IN. (Also, I resent that having sex when you’re single requires some effort. I’m so used to having it whenever I want that the concept of actually having to “work for it” seems so unfair! Sorry, I’m spoiled sexually.)
5. You could relate more to your friends
OK, this reason sounds lame—getting a boyfriend just so you can be on the same page as your friends seems sort of “WTF” and besides the point—but it is something to think about when you’re seeing your friendships devolve to the occasional brunch or happy hour because everyone is in a relationship now. You start to feel defective because you can’t contribute to the conversation and you just wish you had something to say. GOD DAMN IT, SOMEONE NEEDS TO DATE YOU ALREADY SO YOU CAN MOVE IN TOGETHER AND GO ON DOUBLE DATES WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS!
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It’s more empowering and healthy to teach people how to say, and sincerely embrace, “fuck the haters” than to run around, ad nauseum, trying to silence or dissuade every hater for the rest of your life.
How do you do…all of that? Teach me everything. Let’s also Little Mermaid this sh*t while we’re at it and give me your voice.
On Halloween you didn’t get to go trick-or-treating. Instead you went to a Hallelujah Party at church where everyone had to dress up like a Bible character. Basically you had to wear a bathrobe.
What an incredible and intimate act a simple kiss is.