“I resolve to make less than thirty new years resolutions this year, and keep at least two of them.”
Outcome: Stays up for fourteen straight days in an attempt to complete first resolution and subsequently ends up creating fifteen more.
“I resolve to be less regimented and spend more time relaxing.”
Outcome: Schedules relaxation between 3:15 and 3:42pm each afternoon, during which time they create detailed lists of how they will relax on following days.
“I resolve to party less… On weeknights… Before 5pm.”
Outcome: Drunkenly announces their resolution to five hundred of their closest friend on Thursday January 1st, at the bar, at 4pm.
“I resolve to screw over marginally less of my colleagues as I fearlessly charge towards success.”
Outcome: Keeps a detailed chart of co-workers they are not preying on. Eventually hires a colleague to manage this chart as a distraction while the ENTJ rises above them professionally.
I resolve to stop falling in love with the idea of people and being disappointed when their reality does not match up.
Outcome: Explains this resolution in a heartfelt letter to their love interest, who they just know will understand.
“I resolve to spend more time focusing on what I want instead of catering to the needs of others.”
Outcome: Mercilessly commits to this resolution until a loved one implies that it is inconveniencing them.
“I resolve to only turn only every second conversation into a heated dispute.”
Outcome: Finds an unsuspecting ESFJ to debate the practicality of this resolution with.
“I resolve to gossip less and accept others’ choices without judgment.”
Outcome: Phones their closest friend to ask what their resolution is and then phones fourteen of their other closest friends to discuss their first friend’s resolution in totally non-judgmental detail.
“I resolve to think through the consequences of my actions before I make them.”
Outcome: Adheres to their resolution for the first two – four days before being presented with a better plan and impulsively getting on board with that one instead.
“I resolve to listen to the opinions of my less intelligent underlings.”
Outcome: Derives motivation from the opinions of commoners to fuel a series of research projects that prove everyone’s opinions to be indisputably wrong.
“I resolve to give myself more credit for my talents and advocate for my own abilities.”
Outcome: Sits down to review their strengths, decides on twelve new ways in which their art form is imperfect and gets back to working on perfecting it.
“I resolve to find subtler ways of letting everyone know that my way is always best.”
Outcome: Loudly announces to colleagues that they all ought to make the same New Years resolution.
“I resolve to get serious about one of my side interests and turn it into a profitable enterprise.”
Outcome: Develops a keen side interest in entrepreneurship, which they thoroughly analyze and develop ideas about.
“I resolve to avoid meddling in the lives of my loved ones, even if they are making a mistake.”
Outcome: Allows their friends to fail at their new years resolutions, then sits each of them down to talk about what went wrong and how they can fix it.
“I resolve to find practical implications for my work since the physical world does, unfortunately, exist.”
Outcome: Derives a theoretical implication for the practicality of their latest project and considers their resolution a success.
“I resolve to be less of a perfectionist and share more of myself with others.”
Outcome: Refuses to disclose resolution to others, for fear that they will have to admit failure if they do not achieve it.