Two days removed from the Packers v. Seahawks NFC Championship game, I still haven’t shaken how miserable it can feel to be emotionally invested in sports/things you have no control over. Since I can’t seem to stave off the brutal closing moments of that game from replaying in my head, I felt like it might be cathartic for myself, and other Packers fans to let some of those toxic thoughts out. Here are some detailed descriptions of what that disastrous game felt like for moi.
1. Like the lottery numbers were being read off and you had correctly guessed the first five, but as the sixth was being announced someone snatched your ticket, and now they might win the jackpot that could’ve (and probably should’ve) been yours.
2. Like you got a three-scoop ice cream cone and as you walked outside, bird poop rained from the heavens onto your frozen treat. Then the ice cream shop employees were nice enough to give you a free replacement, but as you walk outside with that replacement cone, your archenemy from high school comes and slaps it out of your hand, and everybody you love and respect in life is sitting at a nearby table, pointing and laughing at you.
3. Like you randomly ran into your celebrity crush and they’re flirting with you, and it’s wild but they genuinely seem to like you, so you exchange numbers and make plans to hang out and BRAYNK! BRAYNK! BRAYNK! BRAYNK! Your alarm clock wakes you up, because that was a dream so none of it happened, and also you have to get up and go to work right now. And you work retail. And it’s Black Friday.
4. Like you’re seven and your parents said they’re taking you to Toys R Us to buy stuff, but on the way there the car broke down and all of the money that was going to be used on toys has to go to a new radiator.
5. Avoiding ESPN because they’re still talking about the game and replaying highlights which is essentially the equivalent of having just broken up with the love of your life and having to avoid their Instagram posts because the sight of them will make you sad.
6. Like you were listening to Happy by Pharrell for the first time, then somebody unplugged your music device, smashed it to pieces, took the AUX cord, and started playing some super sad Sam Smith song.
7. Like a seemingly genuinely nice, deserving dude who visits children’s hospitals every single week just stole your girlfriend.
8. Like for a split second you thought you’d found an episode of Friends you hadn’t seen before, but then you realize it’s just a Cougar Town rerun.
9. Like Michael Bay got the rights to your favorite childhood TV show, and he’s going to remake it into a film… And you go on a date to see this film, offering to pay for everything, but your card gets declined at the register and you’ve got hands full of snacks and you’re holding up this massive line and everyone is looking at you, which is very humiliating. Then you come to find that the reason your card didn’t work was because someone stole your identity and drained all of the money from your bank account.
10. Like your team was up by two scores with less than two minutes left and still inexplicably lost the game, and now you have to hear Seahawks fans gloat, many of whom weren’t Seahawks fans at all until as recently as 2013.
11. Like it could be worse — you could be a Bears fan. 
