Thought Catalog
February 16, 2016

Ranking The Women On ‘The Bachelor’: One Of The Girls Makes Ben’s Mom Cry Using Only Her Vapidness

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Hi Everyone! What a whirlwind of an episode. I wonder if this was the most tears by volume in Bachelor history? It’s definitely the first time that the bachelor has his parents meet one of the girls and she’s so bad that the mom actually cries. Good job Emily!

Sidenote: did anyone else get roses for Valentine’s day and spend a good amount of time rubbing them all over their face while Snapchatting their best Olivia impressions to their friends? Just me?

Here’s the ladies giggling and having a fall leaf fight, totally natural-like and not at all forced by the producers who needed b-roll:

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

And here’s Ben and Amanda filming a product placement date:

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Finally, a glimpse at Ben’s silver fox DILF:

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

As we move into hometown dates, here’s where the ladies stand:


the fallen


Emily

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Here is a list of things that are wrong with Emily’s personality:

[*] Emily legit makes Ben’s mom cry because of how vapid her personality is and how scare the mom is that Ben will actually end up with someone like this of his own free will.

[*] Emily’s occupation is “twin”.

[*] But her dream career is Bronco’s cheerleader.

[*] And her biggest dream life is to “sit around and watch movies all day.”

[*] Emily is an adult human who “doesn’t like vegetables.” ???

[*] Emily doesn’t know any adjectives that aren’t “amazing.”

[*] Emily has no social skills. Her conversation with Ben’s mom is just uncomfortable to watch. Ask her a question! People love to talk about themselves. But instead she just keeps stuttering apologetically about all the reasons she (rightly) wouldn’t be a good pick for Ben.

[*] She says she’s “always wanted to be married young” as if that’s a selling point for her personally. No? It’s cool to want to get married to BEN, not just anyone, because that’s some random goal you have devoid of the specific person you’d be married to.

[*] Emily says she’s “so average” at everything in life because her real purpose is to have a children. Just FYI this argument has incorrect logic: just proliferating something doesn’t create new value. If you are average you don’t become less average just because you added more of yourself to the universe.

[*] The nicest thing Ben’s mom can think of to say about Emily is that “she seems like a very ‘fun’ individual.”

Bye Emily!!! Ben’s crying mother won’t miss you!

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Becca

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

In the end, the only complaint Ben really has about Becca is that she’s “standoffish”. Since we know he has a tiny ego and needs to be surrounded by bubbly women who constantly validate him, I guess ‘standoffish’ is an unforgivable offense.


the hometown dates we’ll see next week


Caila

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Everyone’s pick to win the season has fallen to the bottom of the pile. Caila barely got any screen time this week and her relationship with Ben doesn’t seem as strong as the others anymore.

Possibly sensing this, Caila brags to Ben about how ‘adaptable’ she is, she’s moss, she can grow on any tree! Way to make a man feel special.

Jojo

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Ben revealed a lot about Jojo this week. He says he’s “more himself around Jojo than any other woman in his life” and that “Jojo has loved the qualities in me that are more ME than anything else.” I mean, what more can you ask for in someone?

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

But the main theme of Ben’s season is that he’s insecure and needs to validate himself with women who will never question or challenge him (happy, bubbly girls). Jojo isn’t that girl and Ben likes her but she’s more of a risk. I truly think he is gearing up to do this epically shitty thing which is to complain that she isn’t opening up to him and asking her to do that, and then dumping her when she finally does because he just needed that ego stroke but doesn’t want the ongoing challenge.

Last week I speculated that the twist at the end is that Ben had tried to force himself to choose Becca out of a sense of moral responsibility — because she is the only one who shares the kind of faith he thinks of himself as having — and then realizes that’s not a good reason to choose someone and ends up “following his heart.” Now that Becca’s gone, I wonder if Jojo plays into the end.

We basically have three homogenous women (Lauren B, Amanda, Caila) and one outlier (Jojo). I think whatever happens at the end has to do with choosing between two different types of women, which means Jojo is involved somehow.

Anyway, if I could sum up this season I would say I’m basically just hoping that Jojo doesn’t win so that she can become the next Bachelorette.

Amanda

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

I have come to see The Truth about this season, and The Truth is that Amanda is literally the worst.

She does this basic bitch thing single moms do which is to talk about how selective they are in introducing people to their kids as if this is the gold standard of a good mom/makes any kind of positive difference in their children’s lives. Who cares? It should go without saying that you don’t have shitheads in your life to introduce to your kids.

But my actual beef with Amanda has nothing to do with her kids, it’s that she doesn’t seem to actually have any good personality traits except for being really hot (not actually a personality trait) and speaking in a teeny tiny baby voice (also not an actual personality trait). She seems super picky and domineering and unhappy inside but wrapped in the package of a Nice Girl. Like, I bet she calls the city on her neighbors when they water the grass too much.

Lauren B

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Ben takes Lauren B on what, frankly, seems like a psychotic date. He drives her around his hometown and tells her all the boring stories of his youth like some old man that won’t stop talking about himself. I get it Ben, you’re super boring and you have nothing more interesting to talk about, but Jesus, couldn’t the producer’s help him out here?

But anyways, as is the custom of The Bachelor and insecure bubbly women everywhere, Lauren B pretends this is the most thrilling day of her entire life. Like, she never imagined one day she would ascend to the level of glamour where some lame dude would drive around in his cheesey red truck and talk about how cool he thinks he is.

Maybe they really are meant for each other?

Anyway, there’s also some random children ABC is exploiting in order to make Ben look relatable to middle America:

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Burning questions for next week’s episode


Whose family will be the most insane???

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

How will Ben like playing house with Amanda???

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Are Amanda’s kids actually brats???

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Is Ben ready to be an ‘instant dad’???

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

What weird lecture will Caila’s weird dad give Ben???

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Why is Lauren B doing the “Olivia face” now???

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Why is Lauren B’s sister trying to slow her roll???

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

What happens with Jojo’s brothers accuse Ben of brainwashing the girls???

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

See you next week! TC mark

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