April 11, 2014

9 Red Flags That You Should Definitely Not Sleep With A Guy

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What is the issue?

1. Energy drinks.

Why is he drinking energy drinks? Why is a grown man, who ostensibly pays taxes and goes to the post office to get stamps, holding a Monster energy drink in public? Energy drink-guzzling is an unforgivable trait in potential male partners, unless you are 17 and watching the guys at the skate park with stars in your eyes, hoping to get one of their hoodies to wear to class. Then it’s understandable.

2. “Accidental” dick pics.

This was not an accident. He is sending you a picture of his ween because he wants you to nibble on it, and he’s trying to hedge his bets by pretending like he somehow didn’t mean to. In his mind, if you enjoy it, all the better. If you are upset at it, you can’t get mad at him, because it wasn’t his fault!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Either way, reject this blurry picture of a penis, because it is the mark of a complete non-gentleman. (And it probably looks way worse in real life, because he’s definitely mastered his dick pic angles.)

3. He puts ketchup on hot dogs.

Aside from being an unacceptable trait in general, having the kind of palate that chooses to put something like ketchup on something as great as a hot dog — particularly when this is 2014, and we have such a staggering array of mustard choices at our disposal — implies very bad things for the bedroom. He doesn’t have a taste for the finer things in life, and let’s be honest, enjoys the same food as a little kid at a birthday party. You don’t need to be kissing that mouth.

4. A Costco industrial box of condoms.

First of all, no one needs that many condoms. No one who is going to be sleeping with a new person needs to have dozens of condoms at their disposal, unless they are a mixed-media artist who is currently working on some sort of horrible condom art project. But let’s be honest, anyone who keeps that many condoms is doing so for the aesthetic value, and is probably ignorant of the fact that condoms most definitely expire and/or wear down over time. Best to avoid.

5. He constantly one-ups you in conversation.

This personality type just screams “My race to have the last word in conversation is going to manifest itself in being a race to have the first orgasm and then fall asleep tonight.” Even on the off chance he is good, do you really want to spend a whole night with someone who replies to your story about having spent a week in Belgium about how he spent three weeks touring Western Europe and “thought Belgium was kind of pedestrian?”

6. Scarface poster in the living room.

Girl, no. Get out of there. Only bad things await you there.

7. He tells you he has to wake up at 5 AM to go to the gym.

Even if it is true, and he actually has to wake up before dawn to get swole at 24-Hour Fitness or whatever, the idea that he would forgo some early-morning spooning and the potential morning sex it leads to just to go hang out on the leg machines is not something you want to be participating in. Don’t admire his fitness, pity his lack of foresight.

8. He has a “gettin some booty mix.”

If Trey Songz starts playing and the dimmer switch goes down in his room, this is an indisputable sign that you should not be there. No person who is even moderately talented in the bedroom needs a go-to KnoCkIn tHe BoOtz playlist, particularly one that contains music explicitly about the act of having sex.

9. His room is actually the living room.

We have all been there. We know that feeling, of liking a guy so much that you don’t mind scrambling to pull a sheet over yourself when his roommate Greg randomly walks through his bedroom/dining room to go to work at Applebee’s. But this is the sexual lifestyle of a child, not a grown-ass woman. Time to upgrade your whole life, starting by demanding a separate bedroom if you’re going to spend the night. You deserve it. TC mark

image – Clueless

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