I used to think I’d know when to cut things off. I was raised to believe in my own strength. I was in charge of my own life, my own destiny. And there was no way I’d ever let a silly boy alter my route.
I knew who I was, where I was going, and what was important to me. I saw my friends crumble over men and I thought, “Not me. That will never be me.”
Boy, what a fool I was.
Because heartbreak can turn anyone into a pile of mush. It doesn’t matter how self-assured you are or how rational your choices tend to be. Heartbreak doesn’t discriminate like that. We’re all susceptible to it.
When you love someone and they let you go, it’s devastating. The reason we call it heart breaking is because that’s how it feels – like your heart is literally breaking. The pain can be physical. It’s an ache. A terrible ache.
But with you, everything felt so certain. Maybe it’s because I never let myself get invested in people, so when I finally did, I thought, “This has to be it.” I’d been careful to not get hurt. So once I let my guard down, I stopped worrying.
I know I can’t make you return my feelings. You needed something else. For you, it just wasn’t right. And I can’t fix that.
But you have to stop texting me.
I understand this is hard on you too, but you’re the one who left. You decided to walk away when I was still envisioning our future. You know how I felt, how I still feel.
Every time you reach out, I grab onto it like it’s going to blossom into something more. With every beep of my phone, false hope comes spilling all over me.
Do you understand? By leaving but not fully letting me go, you’re prolonging my pain. I won’t ever move on if you keep popping back up.
Like I said, I used to think I’d know when to cut things off. That I’d be strong enough to just not text back or block your number.
But that was before I fell in love. That was before I met you.
So, you need to be the one who stops. Stop texting me. Stop sending me Snapchats. Don’t ask me innocuous questions like, “How are you?”
I need to move on. And as long you stay in my life, no matter how small it might be, I won’t. I’ll keep hoping you come back.