Tommy Paley

With our busy schedules, perpetual bags under our eyes, and that hard-to-completely-remove less-than-pleasant body odor, it’s a surprise we aren’t all doomed to stay single forever.

As I’m sure you know, even one of these ideal relationships that appears — even on close inspection — to be heading towards a lifetime of wedded bliss, can be derailed like a train

I need to take a short break at 10 p.m. and text my mom.

The way you often put your head on my shoulder (it’s easy because you are tall and I am not tall) as if to say “my neck is tired” or “let’s briefly touch scalps” or “I love you.”

Meeting her for an early morning aerobics class and then being comically out-of-shape and disgustingly sweaty within 5 minutes is not good.

Remember that true attractiveness only comes when you give the illusion that you don’t care.

Do you want to get the girl? Follow this advice.

When the two of you discuss your future plans she always gleefully suggests cutting off all ties with friends and family.

And when we are broken up with, we feel hurt and stupid for not seeing that signs that were so obvious to everyone else.