We’ve all been there — in a relationship that has seen better days.
It’s just so hard to tell how bad things are, when you are in the middle of it, especially for us men who aren’t the most perceptive at the best of times.
And when we are broken up with, we feel hurt and stupid for not seeing that signs that were so obvious to everyone else.
In my efforts to help all of the men in relationships, here are some signs that should let you know to cut ties as the end is near.
1. Her text messages are solely punctuation.
2. She has started insisting on official summons notarized by a judge before coming to dinner.
3. She refuses to spell actual words when playing Scrabble.
4. When you are taking a shower, she decides to play Beethoven’s 9th using the taps in the kitchen.
5. Your last romantic weekend getaway was spent at the morgue.
6. She spends most of her time in her own private fort made of couch pillows.
7. When you are undressing for bed, she dons a Hazmat suit.
8. Instead of perfumed, sexy notes in your lunch bag, she has adopted a ransom note-style to all written communications including, but not limited to: shopping lists, letting you know your mom called, and instructions on where to leave the unmarked bills so you can get your childhood teddy bear back in one piece.
9. She makes dolls in her spare time; hundreds of them, all miniature, that look eerily like you only rife with sharp, long needles jabbed in them.
10. In a recent redecoration she literally put up red flags everywhere.
11. She has started using way too many air quotes when discussing your future as a couple.
12. Without asking you, she converted all of your jeans into jean shorts.
When you are out with friends she is always going on and on about mutiny, fighting the machine and overthrowing the dictator while clearing her throat and nodding her head towards you.
13. She blew out all the candles on your birthday cake for you and ominously said “enjoy the wish.”
14. She is constantly pretending that she has amnesia.
15. You can’t remember the last time she touched you without the aid of a 10 foot pole.
16. She covers the floor of the apartment with eggshells and then sighs loudly and rolls her eyes when you invariably walk on them.
18. Her New Year’s resolution is to become significantly more high maintenance and/or jealous.
19. She won’t tell you the safe word.
20. She is always relentlessly encouraging you to get out more.