So, you are in college and you think you’ve found the girl of your dreams.
You don’t want to mess things up you say?
Well, you’ve come to the right place as I’ve been where you are countless times in the past.
Do you want to get the girl? Follow this advice.
1. Since campus is a big place, you have to figure out where she will be and when as it is really hard to ask someone out if you can’t find them unless they are imaginary. Dating someone imaginary gets significantly less cool after the age of 21.
2. Whatever you do, do not attempt to set up a first date electronically as that comes across as cold and impersonal and lazy which, if somehow successful, usually leads to you dating someone electronic.
3. I must emphasize, stalking is just not cool. I suggest GPS trackers, personal investigators and, if necessary, disguising yourself as a bush.
4. The best method to ensure face-to-face meetings are to join the same clubs, take the same public transportation and enroll in the same courses regardless of any of your actual interests. Remember, the best way to show you care is to have none of your own interests.
5. Approach with confidence. Think of a lion in the jungle approaching your prey if that helps (roaring is a definite turnoff for most women up until the third date). Nothing says “don’t date me” louder than a total lack of spine unless you are super attractive.
6. Before speaking, check those feelings of self-doubt, no matter how strong, at the door. To help, find an open-air space with no doors. If confidence is generally a challenge for you, consider an accessory like a hard-to-place accent or freshly baked cookies.
7. Timing is everything! Attempt to catch her at a moment of weakness or during a power outage. Tears are your friend and your cue to enter. If you are lucky she will have just been asked out by a real loser making you seem relatively cooler in comparison.
8. It is important that she is alone when you approach so you don’t have to use any complicated military tactics and so you can have her undivided attention in case you decide to perform some magic tricks. Don’t perform magic tricks.
9. In all likelihood she will be surrounded by her girlfriends, who are like a pack of wild dogs. If they believe their friend is under attack, and they will, they will rip your face off. Bring raw steaks.
10. Don’t forget about hygiene! Any extra washing or positive aromas or sparkling teeth are a plus. Now is not the time to show off your acne, love of mustard or your recent ability to grow a handlebar moustache that plays really well at certain clubs.
11. I can’t say enough about being prepared. Stretch, warm up your vocal chords, liberally apply moisturizers and memorize all of her posts on social media in the past 12 months.
12. Resist the urge to script your dialogue as she will most likely find it odd to be given lines, cues and dramatic entrances and exits to memorize by a stranger as witty as your writing may be.
13. Open with a compliment about her appearance. Don’t be too descriptive or graphic or overly verbose. You may be the next Shakespeare or B-film director, but now is not the time to show off. That time is three weeks from now at 4:15 pm.
14. Keep it simple and appropriate as if your grandmother happened to be around. Don’t bring your grandmother unless it somehow improves your chances.
15. Make small talk. This is a perfect opportunity to demonstrate that you are down-to-Earth and normal. Ask her about something general and impersonal like school, music, or taxation. Whatever you do don’t get vehemently angry about the weather.
16. Don’t be too subtle or else she may mistake you for a textbook salesperson or some random guy who loves eating dates. It is okay to be transparent about how you feel in your comments. If you are aiming for actual transparency, consider opening your first-year science textbook on a more regular basis. It may not be safe for you to be around other humans.
17. Tell her you like her and want to go out with her, but not in those words. That makes it too obvious and borderline-desperate. Attempt to strike a balance between perplexingly-vague and coyishly-brazen.
18. Obvious signs to watch for that she is not interested include, but are not limited to, shrieking, constant warning of imminent bear attacks, vacant looks by her where she looks as if she is dying a slow death and being tasered.
19. If you have gotten this far, and she has been nodding her head a lot (just not repeatedly or else she may be a marionette) good job! You may now proceed and ask her out on a date or a series of five dates with the fifth being thrown in at half-price. You may never know if she is truly into you or is using you as part of a detailed plan of revenge. Thankfully you don’t care.
20. With plans set, excuse yourself. Walk off slowly and proudly on a grassy field in the gleaming sun towards the horizon like a general returning from war with a single gloved-fist raised towards the sky. You are a hero and the things of which statues are made on.