20 Embarrassing Things To Say When You’re About To Have Sex

… For The First (and Probably Last) Time

1. I’ve never seen an actual human female’s butt before. But, hey, I’m not a weirdo — I’ve seen a wide variety of animal female butts.

2. Yes, in one sense, I have tons of past sexual experience, while in another much more accurate sense, I need you to fully explain, using diagrams and pictures, if necessary, exactly what you mean when you say “past,” “sexual,” and “experience.”

3. Just to let you know not to put your mouth in or around my ear as the medication, if ingested, could lead to gastrointestinal distress.

4. Sometimes when I’m a bit bored I use a Sharpie to make my penis look like famous deceased world leaders. Bonus points if you can guess who he is today!

5. Don’t take this the wrong way. You look great. I just happen to be addicted to making sock puppets on my hands when in bed.

6. I hope this is okay, but I wrote a short script to accompany the proceedings. Your lines have been highlighted in pink. Remember to enunciate and project your voice and really sell the puns and product placements. Ready? Action!

7. Before we begin, if it’s alright with you, I’d like to sacrifice this pig and drink it’s blood. I’m kidding, I’m kidding… The pig will just sit in the corner and watch.

8. Heads up — often when I’m aroused and nervous, I break out into the greatest hits from Broadway.

9. In so many ways you remind me of my sister.

10. Do you mind if I livestream this? No one back at home will ever believe me otherwise.

11. It was so thoughtful for you to bring me this slippery balloon to play with! Weee!

12. Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second… I put this in there? You mean my Anatomy and Physiology teacher at school wasn’t a huge liar with pants on fire after all?!

13. I’m very fragile, so regardless of how this goes, I’ll probably spend a considerable amount of time huddled under the bed weeping.

14. For the last time, you are sure you don’t have cooties?

15. I just want to say that your breasts are infinitely more attractive than the chicken breasts I fondled then sauteed in lemon butter for lunch time.

16. If there is time afterwards, I’ve prepared some magic tricks.

17. Just to let you know, I was voted “Most Likely to Never Touch Another Person Naked” by my high school yearbook committee.

18. I’m a little afraid of the dark, so I brought my portable set of spotlights, which have to be operated by my roommates who promised they will be looking at their phones the whole time.

19. My father told me to ask you if you were — let me get the piece of paper he wrote this question on — “a sadistic whore who is going straight to Hell.”

20. I need to take a short break at 10 p.m. and text my mom.

Tommy writes humorous stories on relationships, parenting and life.

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