It is just so hard to find Mr. or Miss Right these days (I blame the government and some artisanal cheese purveyors).
With our busy schedules, perpetual bags under our eyes, and that hard-to-completely-remove less-than-pleasant body odor, it’s a surprise we aren’t all doomed to stay single forever.
And even when you think you’ve stumbled upon the perfect person (we won’t be discussing animals, crash test dummies, or hat racks at this time), something always seems to come up that derails the whole thing including, but not limited to: their moving away to join the circus, their turning out to be a pile of pillows that the light hit just so, and their being your second cousin and this not being 1870s in the old country.
But if you try and try again, and continue to put yourself out there like the human-equivalent-of-a-kite that you are, eventually you will find your tree — I mean love of your life which might just be a tree — to get hopelessly tangled up in so long as you both shall live.
Unfortunately, wedded bliss doesn’t last forever (it’s in the fine print). Out of nowhere, seemingly unpredictable things come up that could flat out end things, such as his “what are you, an ape or a bear?” back hair, her uncle who doesn’t understand the definition of ‘privacy’ (seriously, his vocabulary is quite poor,) and one of you developing a serious addiction to pork rinds that threatens to bankrupt the family.
Now some people’s incompatibility is so obvious that it smacks you in the face like a freshly-caught salmon or even a day-old salmon that hasn’t lost any of it’s fish-slapping-to-prove-a-tenuous-point ability, while other people’s incompatibility isn’t.
I can hear you now: “If only there was a way to see into the future!” and “If only there was a way to open this pickle jar!” and “If only someone would write a list of warning signs to be on the watch for when first dating someone!” (Don’t worry, I can’t actually hear you because your music is too loud and your window is closed… a little help?)
Well, this is your lucky day! There is no need to fret. I am here to share with you the lesser known “warning labels” you should be on the watch for when considering settling down.
Run away without looking back if the person you are seriously dating…
1. is a little too interested in picket fences and picket fence reference materials at the local public library.
2. spends the entire first date talking about the wonderful advances in home dryer vents and promises to spend dates two, three, and four showing their series of PowerPoint presentations on the same topic.
3. mentions that she has her mother’s hair, literally — a huge bag of it that she keeps in her purse.
4. often stops, mid-sentence, and with a sad look, stares off into the distance before talking about his hatred of long division.
5. insists on pouring honey on all guests and visitors despite being reminded of the strict limit on monthly honey expenditures and that she never helps with the clean up.
6. dresses as a walrus for 5 consecutive Halloweens, as well as many of the days between those Halloweens, only taking breaks when his walrus outfit is at the dry cleaners.
7. takes you to meet her parents who are either mannequins or are just really really unbending, shiny, expressionless assholes.
8. whenever you mention having kids one day, he puts on an incredible and intricate magic show that always ends with his being sawed in half.
9. during make out sessions she stops, mid-kiss, gives directions such as “I don’t know if the audience will find that believable” and “pretend you’ve been with a living, breathing human female before” and “are you okay if I check my mentions while we do this?” before the next take.
10. on romantic walks, he insists on playing death metal on his portable wireless speaker at maximum volume.
11. has a best friend who doesn’t like you and who is either invisible, fictional, or actually just the wall she is always gesturing towards when mentioning her friend.
12. when you discuss “tying the knot” in the near future, he immediately raises his arms, hugs you, and yells “yes,” and then goes out and purchases a huge amount of string.
13. dresses like a mime each and every day but then just sits on the couch watching reruns.
14. constantly interrupts all of your stories about your day with root vegetable-themed observational comedy.
15. obsessively loves her kidneys.