7. I was between 6-8 years old. She was 6 years older, and my sister.
“I was between 6-8 years old. She was 6 years older, and my sister. It was summer break, and she was in charge of babysitting me. We got along as much as a brother and sister 6 years apart in age could. It happened a dozen times or so. It was a sort of a game she wanted me to play with her. We would just have sex. I didn’t really realize what was happening at the time. I knew it was wrong and I shouldn’t tell my dad. I also knew that something about it was fun.
I had problems growing up that I later pieced together were scars from this. I had trouble controlling myself when it came to using the bathroom sometimes, in like 3rd and 4th grade. I would not want to be touched by anyone. I’ve never been a hugger because of it. There’s other things sometimes too, but as my parents divorced when I was little I’m not sure where to place the blame on my poor relationship skills.
I’ve only ever told one therapist about this, and that was only a year ago or so. My wife knows, but that’s about it. I’ve never brought it up with my sister, but we’re not very close at all so I never have to deal with her.
I sometimes wonder if my uncle raped/molested her when she was younger or even right around that same time. He’s a real fucking scumbag (like, tried to sell one of his daughters for crack, molested at least one of them…), and it would make sense if that’s where she learned it from.
Still, she should have known better. She was old enough to know better than to do that to her fucking brother.
I do still think about it occasionally, but in a very detached sort of way. I suppose it could have been worse, but it was still fucked-up. I’m still fucked-up.”
8. It felt like I was drowning and it felt like forever.
“My ex-girlfriend, among the myriad other things she did, forced herself on me in the shower. I was sat down in the corner taking a breather when she came in and forced herself on to my face, my head being trapped between the wall meant she slowly began to asphyxiate me, I kept trying to push her off but the position made it impossible.
As she used my head I began to not only black out but also the water streamed down her chest and began to waterboard me; it felt like I was drowning and it felt like forever.
Even now it feels like I have mild PTSD from it, going down on any woman is kind of an anxious moment and when I do it’s never on the bottom. The worst part is I can’t talk about it because that sort of thing is even more invalidated, so I just repress it.”