1. Get your adorable ass on Bumble and shoot everyone you find moderately sexy a “hii” (the double “i” is key—very flirty). You’ll be surprised what some
dick attention will do for your breakup morale.
2. Take a boxing class, and pretend the punching bag is his (already incredibly fragile) masculinity. ;)
3. Or just go to the gym for literally as long as you want. Even if you’re there for literally 10 minutes. Because that’s liiiiiterally so much more productive than texting his sorry ass.
4. Write down all the intolerable things about him that made you wish you were single. And then #blessup when you remember that you, my kween, ARE SINGLE.
5. Send the group chat the following text: “SOS KINDA WANNA TEXT ______ EVERYONE PLEASE REMIND ME WHY HE IS SATAN.”
6. Read an article on things to do instead of texting your ex.
7. Download Headspace and try to meditate *the urge* away. OR…
8. …Clean your room, light some candles…
9. …And masturbate *the urge* away!
10. Go get your nails done and ball the fuck out with a bonus 20 minute massage.
11. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Jk get another massage.
12. Sims 4.
13. Order enough sushi to send yourself into a mercury poisoning-induced coma. Mmmmmm.
14. Take an offensively long shower.
15. Send at least 200 snaps with the dog filter on. Congrats. U r too fucking cute to text him.
16. Listen to Nicki Minaj’s verse in “Down In The DM – Remix” approx. 7 billion times. TRUST ME.
17. Give Sudoku a shot. Just know that shit’s not for everyone.
18. Attempt to lick ur elbow.
19. BURN SOMETHING.
20. Go on a Twitter rant re: vegans.
21. Color coordinate your closet. If you only own black clothes… do something else.
22. Fondle your boobs. Boobs r nice.
23. Teach yourself how to cook something so fancy you’ll never have the energy to cook it again.
24. Write shitty poetry.
25. Smoke some weed and go to the planetarium.
26. Keep drinking La Croix—AKA the champagne of water—until you become too sophisticated to text.
27. Start a cute ass lemonade stand just for the insta.
28. Go buy yourself a freakum dress. Or freakum shorts. Or freakum flip flops.
29. Take a long drive and blast music to a dangerously loud degree. Therapeutic af.
30. Anything. Do literally anything. #DeathBeforeTextingHIM.