1. That nosy motherfucker who obsessively peeks at your treadmill speed. Hope you feel like a baller running at exactly .1mph faster than me, bro!
2. Grunters/droppers. AKA those hardos who omit the weirdest noises during their workouts before violently throwing their weights on the floor. If you can lift double your bodyweight and only kind of look like you’re going to shit yourself, you can place the weight on the floor, sir.
3. …Alternately, dudes who are clearly lifting more than they can handle. Just… chill, bro. You have terrible form and you look like your stomach is about to fall out of your butt. No need to insist on *PUSHING THRU.* You’re in a lot of pain.
4. Guys who apparently only work out to watch girls stretch/do squats. Like dude… I SEE you.
5. People with zero regard for sweating everywhere and not cleaning that shit up. Sweaty mofos who don’t wipe down their machines literally hurt my soul.
6. Guys who turn the gym into their own person, IRL Tinder. “You need a spot, cutie?” Holy shit…….bye.
7. Aggressive personal trainers who try to recruit you as a client. Oh, COULD you really help me with my upper arms, dude? GTFO. I’m here to run for exactly 15 minutes, stretch, and bounce. LET ME LIVE.
8. Hardo personal trainers who successfully convince you to do a session with them and proceed to push you so hard that you literally can’t walk the next day. They usually motivate you with something like, “You NEED this. You NEED to transform your body, and you need to do it NOW.” Omg omg no I don’t, dude. You’re scaring the shit out of me. Pls stop.
9. AND obviously that one dude who thinks he’s a personal trainer. He’s probably read every bodybuilding.com article on HIIT and can be seen walking around the weights area aggressively shaking his BCAAs.
10. People who think they’re fucking Thich Nhat Hanh for “practicing yoga.”
11. Exercise addicts who LOVE to regale you with every incredibly boring detail of their #fitfam lifestyle. Literally no cares. Literally.
12. Guys who dress head to toe in intense athletic apparel from their high school football team. Noooooobody gives a shit, bro. Nobody.
13. That antsy asshole who jumps on your machine when you’re clearly in the middle of a set and about to use it again. Bitch CALM DOWN.
14. People who do intense reading/schoolwork while running/biking/ellipticaling. Like… pls. Don’t be hero.
15. That one space-filler who never seems to work out as much as they hang out with people and aggressively clog up the area. Shit, wait… I am this person. Oops.
16. People who *NEEEED* to go to the gym. Like… since when did working out become a biological need, though? You know what actually is…? Eating.
17. All of the gym rats. All of them. You, me… all of us. Everybody at the gym is the worst.