1. “Wow, you’re so tight.”
Oh, am I tight? Am I tight like a little girl?? Like a tiny little virgin who’s never seen a big huge elephant dick like yours??? Thank you, daddy. So glad I’m nice and tight for you.
2. “You’re adorable.”
Seriously, shut the fuck up. Sexy? Yes. Beautiful? Sure. Handsome? I’ll fucking take it. The last time I was “adorable,” I was six. Please don’t.
3. “…But, you’re so chill.”
Brilliant, really. Insist that the very reasonable reaction I’m having to whatever bullshit you just pulled invalidates my otherwise consummate chillness. “…But, you’re so chill. You shouldn’t care if I grind with other girls.” …AM I? AM I SO CHILL? SHOULD I NOT CARE? OH, GOOD. YOU’VE CONVINCED ME. WILL CHILL OUT NOW. JUST TRYING TO BE CHILL.
4. “I love how you don’t care about how you look.”
…Thanks. Thank you for that very important validation of me and my semi-low maintenance style. Now I feel chill. Phew.
5. “Thank god you’re not one of those girls who only eat salads.”
Ugh, I know, right? Thank god I’m not one of those awful, uptight bitches who’s too ashamed of her body to order a burger. That would suck for you.
6. “You know how to roll a joint?! That’s awesome.”
Guys are fascinated by girls who smoke weed. FASCINATED. And if you can roll one all by your chill-ass self? Damn. You’re not a girl, at all! You’re a bonafide bro. Congrats babe, you made it.
7. “Not many girls know rap like you. I’m impressed.”
Well, what can I say? I’ve already proved I’m a chill-ass, bonafide bro. Now, please, go fetch my gold medal for impressing you with my rap knowledge, Mr. West. So thrilled I could keep up.
8. “You’re, like, not bad at drinking games.”
Same concept, different dig. Wow, thanks! I know my frail wrists and short skirt must’ve really thrown you off. But, no, I’m not as inept as I look!
9. “You’re so exotic. What are you?”
Mmm… human, I think! Please, clamp your hard-on for my long brown hair and ethnically-ambiguous skin. I don’t feel sexy when my “exoticism” turns you on.
10. “How are you single? You’re so cool.”
The genius implication, here, is that all the cool, desirable girls are wifed up. Actually, motherfucker, I’m single at the moment because I’m cool, just like you! I get to sleep with whoever I want because I’m cool, just like you! Byyyyye.