The first day of spring is upon us, and as I look outside my bedroom window, I’m lucky enough to bask in a glorious sight: bare branches, snow-covered cars, and sidewalks that look like someone pooped on a sea of slushies. Ah yes, the changing of the seasons! Get your bathing suits on, boys and girls, and let’s all celebrate in the following meaningful ways:
1. Throw a warm weather party. Force people to wear shorts and sunglasses and to drink cocktails with umbrellas in them. Basically, invite your friends to act completely delusional with you.
2. Purchase some floral-smelling soap with which to scrub off flakes of dry, crusty skin.
3. Change your profile picture to you basking in the sun on a beach or boat, then very openly and very blatantly live vicariously through your online presence.
4. Dress like it’s 60 degrees out even though it is not. Get two blocks away from your apartment then return home to acquiesce to some more realistic clothing. Feel your heart breaking inside of
5. Purchase your favorite summer beer and then cry into it!
6. Share fond memories of warmer weather with your family and friends. That’s right, both spring and summer have died and you’re never going to see them again, so give your respects accordingly.
7. Buy yourself some tulips. You deserve it.
8. Ladies, shave! Just kidding!
9. Dig out your favorite pair of shorts to see if they still fit. They do, but there’s a little bit of overhang, right?
10. Contemplate the true meaning of irony and know that you are living it. Basically, “spring” has turned you into a total hipster. Maybe just give up, put on a printed animal tee, and go drown in a bathtub full of PBR. Happy Spring!