1. You make it halfway to work when you realize you’ve been driving with the windshield wipers on. It’s not even close to raining outside. Not. Even. Close.
2. You know all of the lyrics to Demi Lovato’s latest single. And that’s about all of the information your brain can retain these days. You’re maxed out.
3. Everything at work makes you laugh. New post-its, the FedEx guy, the supply closet, coffee mugs, the elevator’s “ding” sound. You start crying from laughter in a morning meeting. You quickly excuse yourself and slap yourself across the face with your pink spiral notebook to snap out of it. “Happy Monday.”
4. You start giving out odd/uncomfortable compliments to your coworkers. “You have a really symmetrical face.” “Wow you grew that mustache pretty fast, huh?!” “Your desk smells like Christmas.”
5. A woman is doing a crossword puzzle outside of Starbucks and you volunteer to help her finish. She is not into it. This does not stop you.
6. You have three numbers “favorited” in your phone: your gyno, the Santa Monica Public Library, and Sprinkles Cupcakes. Your phone, along with everyone else, is very aware that you’re single.
7. You call in to your local soft rock station to request Christopher Cross’ “Sailing” for your boyfriend “Justin.” (“Justin” does not technically exist).
8. It’s Friday night and you’re eating tofu in the Whole Foods parking lot. Standing up. Over the hood of your car. Nothing about this feels strange or pathetic to you.
9. A homeless man, who could pass for Zach Galifianakis’s older, less attractive brother, proposes to you outside of CVS. You say “YES” without hesitation. You get the sense that he’s immediately over it.
10. You Google “symptoms of an insane person.” The search results read like the chapter titles to your hypothetical autobiography. “Unnecessarily Obsessive,” “Is This a Panic Attack?,” “My Emotions Have Emotions.”