The art of seducing women is a game that anyone can easily master, given the appropriate level of know-how to executive the right moves at the right moments.
What most don’t seem to realize is that these particular games of love necessitate far less “swag” or charm that one might think. Women aren’t actually interested in those who are possess intellect or personality or James Franco Sex God looks; we could care less about the differences between Alpha males and their lesser, Beta counterparts.
Instead, the men who keep us coming back are the ones who know how to treat us as terribly as the pond scum we are; they have a firm grasp of how to treat a lady poorly in all the right ways. These are the ones who have us wrapped around their beefy, Cheetos-stained fingers — the ones who make us question if we somehow flushed all the self-respect out of our bodies during that vigorous, 12-day juice fast.
For those of you out there who have not quite learned the ins and outs of the love game, have no fear — here are some easy tips that will make all the lust-worthy ladies come crawling on their knees to you, hungry for your validation and, uh, you-know.
1. Periodically ignore her.
In the game of seduction, it is crucial to keep the object of desire on the glossy, white tips of her French-manicured toes at all times. This is the most effective means of making sure that her attention is fully locked on you. The best way to do this is to alternate between showering her with as much attention as you can muster and pretending that she doesn’t exist. Screen her calls. Don’t click on her Facebook messages. Ignore her texts (but, iPhone users: consider turning on your read receipts so that she knows when you’re ignoring her — the ultimate form of emotional warfare). Then, when she’s begun to wonder if you’re still alive, shoot an unexpected message her way. This strategy will ensure that she’s constantly wondering if and when you’ll hit her up next — meaning that she won’t ever lose interest. Because no one can lose interest except for you.
2. Try to score with her friends.
Women are, by nature, competitive beasts — the grass is always greener on the other side, but more relevantly, the ring is always flashier on someone else’s finger. Drive them insane by appealing to their most primal instincts of wanting what they can’t have and jealously guarding what they do want. When she’s around, pay less attention to her than you do to her friends. Send all of your compliments their way while leaving her to wonder why you don’t think her hair looks that nice or her dress is that elegant or her perfume smells that great. She’ll be yours faster than you can say, “What’s your name again?”
3. Act awkwardly when you run into her.
As the cosmos would have it, you always run into people when you’re least expecting it and therefore unprepared to impress. However, one foolproof method of piquing a woman’s interest when you unexpectedly run into her is to act as though you have the social graces of a five-year-old. The more awkward you are, the weaker she’ll become at the knees. First, pretend not to notice her until she comes over and starts a conversation with you (any seasoned “hustler” knows that, in order to play the game, you have to remain more aloof than the other player). Then, respond to her attempts at repartee with curt, quick answers — as though you have somewhere more important to be, and you’re doing her a favor by pausing your day to talk to her. Lastly, make sure that you’re the first to leave the conversation because, when you do, you’ll leave her wanting more.
4. Do not develop feelings for her.
This is, perhaps, the most important rule of all — without it, you have little to no chance of emerging victorious from the seduction game. If and when you develop feelings for her, you begin to lose focus on the real prize: the pursuit. Realistically, there will be moments during the pursuit when your concentration wavers and you start to feel tingles for her that emanate from your chest rather than your crotch. If that becomes the case, remember what the wise, old soul Jeremy Bentham once said: the ends justify the means, and know that if the chase is what the game is all about, feelings only slow you down.