1. Punishing yourself every time you deviate from a diet. As a smart man on my Twitter feed once said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Seriously, skinny feels are fucking delicious.” Have a sense of humor about getting down like Roseanne Barr on a food bender and do better tomorrow.
2. Dwelling on the past. Nothing is ever actually as good or bad as you remember it being. Come back to the future, Marty McFly. We have hi-speed internet here.
3. Hate-reading. Life is short. Read things you actually enjoy.
4. Stalking your ex’s Facebook profile. He will never appear as sad and desperate as he feels inside, K? Besides, this is a waste of your insanity. Go make a painting or cut your ear off. Hell, do both — that’ll show him what he’s missing out on!
5. Making plans you have no intention of keeping. Just get a tattoo on your forehead that says, “Can’t do it that night. Washing my hair FOREVERRR” and make everyone’s life easier.
6. Dating someone all of your friends hate. When your relationship is going well, you’re all “They’re just tryna stop my SHINE” but time usually shows that your friends see things you don’t. They’re like dogs with their own special frequency for detecting bullshit. Heed their barking, or at least be curious about why they’re making so much noise.
7. Drunk texting people who never respond to you. Screenshots exist for a reason, and it’s to remind people like you that you will be held for accountable in the court of public opinion for those drunk ass booty texts you’ve been ODing on.
8. Buying clothes just because they’re on sale. Good on you if you’ve unearthed Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat on the clearance rack, but does it actually fit you? Because clothes that fit poorly from the jump are a terrible investment. You’ll never look or feel good in them. Don’t throw your money and your dignity away for a decent sale.
9. Wondering if you’re ever going to be happy. Wondering about happiness doesn’t lead to happiness, it just puts you in a sort of purgatory state that prevents you from actually pursuing happiness (which is attainable when you’re proactive about it, if you were wondering).
10. Getting drunk the night before you have something important to do. The liquor will be there tomorrow. Use it when your important day is over to celebrate being responsible!
11. Subjecting yourself to friends who are actually your FREAKING ENEMIES. Just admit it to yourself already — calling someone your friend doesn’t make it true. Cut the cord and get rid of these people. You don’t need no hateration in this dancery.
12. Spending money on things that will only make your situation a tiny bit more convenient. At the end of my freshman year of college, my mother took me to the bank to see an associate there. The associate had printed out my statement for that year, and highlighted every time I used an ATM instead of a bank to withdraw money. Between ATM fees and bank charges, I’d wasted somewhere in the neighborhood of $400. That was a lot of freaking money to 18-year-old me. And it’s still a lot of money when you think of the cabs you’ve splurged on, the coffee and meals you didn’t make at home, and yes, the ATM fees you accrue over 365 days. Don’t be lazy when it comes to those greenbacks.
13. Thinking that you’d be happier if you lived somewhere else, or had a better job, or earned more money, or were in a relationship. These are nice lies to tell ourselves, but they just distract us from fixing the actual problems we have with our situations. Don’t buy into this delusion, it’s a costly one.
14. Giving your number to people you have no interest in keeping in touch with. You know you’re going to regret this later when “Do Not Answer” calls for the 40th time, so just keep the middle man (your phone) out of it and spare yourself the stalking.
15. Wearing things that make you uncomfortable. Beauty doesn’t have to be pain, like… beauty can be making it to the end of the day without wanting to amputate your feet.
16. Comparing your appearance to that of rich and famous people. You’re never going to look like a million bucks, and that’s actually a good thing. Go eat some skinny feels and calm the freak down.