[park bench with girlfriend] so you're dumping me because you don't think I'm smart? "yes brent" *starts raining* great and now sky water
— Brent (@murrman5) March 14, 2015
eminem: look, if you only had one shot- me: I’d ask for more shots eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can't ask for more shots
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 13, 2015
i got all these feelings and there's no way im just gonna deal with them
— spencer madsen (@spencermadsen) April 6, 2014
friend: [sat on a stool reading "how to milk a cow" next to a horse] me: "wh-" horse: "lets just see how this plays out"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) March 17, 2015
When it comes to driving, you can't beat roads, the floor…for your car! (spon)
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 17, 2015
and how would you like your burger cooked? by your chef no, well done or- poorly done please, my standards are very low [winks at date]
— PaperWash© (@PaperWash) March 13, 2015
[texting my girlfriend] wyd? "Just finished my homework" Cool, Send a pic (; ? *gf sends a nude* Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!
— ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ (@phaggots) December 18, 2014
“What’s wrong with this picture?” *art critic leans in close* For starters, Mona Lisa is holding a dildo.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2015
I would laugh at CCTV footage of my own murder if it ended with the “Curb Your Enthusiasm” theme
— patrick (@pattymo) March 17, 2015
Look at the flick of da wrist pic.twitter.com/aJZ1POIpTq
— FINN (@YoHumanFinn) February 13, 2015
my options are blackout drunk or blackout sober
— Meep (@MeepisMurder) March 17, 2015
"Dude, sluts like her are a dime a dozen" *leans in close* Really? That's cheap. Who's your slut guy?
— Eldge (@Sickayduh) March 17, 2015
when youre sitting on the toilet at work just killing time you dont need to pull your pants down. but i do it anyway
— deg (@degg) January 24, 2015
Girl: •expensive •make u sad •put u in friendzone Fedora: •$29.95 •make u happy •can never friendzone u bc it is just a hat
— LilBreadTheBakedGod (@dadcum) March 17, 2015
My comedy routine consists of me getting on stage and breathing heavily for twenty minutes because I'm so large
— Urple Pingo (@UrplePingo) March 17, 2015
IF YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY, JUST REMEMBER THAT THERE'S SOME NIGGA OUT THERE WEARING AN EMOJI OUTFIT THINKING HE LOOKS FLY ASF
— ⠀ (@ASAPabdi) March 17, 2015
cop: do u know why i pulled you ov- me: ur not wearing green lol!! *pinches cop rly hard* *gets arrested*
— brian Griffin (@HeelyRiddler) March 17, 2015
"Aaaactually, these slippers are cubic zirconia. Glass would be too fragile," said Cinderella, condescending down the staircase.
— ghost mom (@radtoria) March 14, 2015
SON: What does it mean if it says "Google Chrome has stopped responding?" ME: Well son, it means you and Google Chrome are dating
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) March 17, 2015
— mike sacks (@PhotosOfTV) March 17, 2015
SPORT GUY 1: we should make it illegal for players to retire SPORT GUY 2: they should have to play for free, for the love of the game
— Dal Jeanis (@ScottyTonga) March 17, 2015
Outback Steakhouse is going to be packed tonight
— MattyTalks (@mattytalks) March 17, 2015
when kendrick said "im the bigest hippogriff of 2015" pic.twitter.com/5gNwBA0ftM
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) March 17, 2015
*blows a kiss* *kiss begins to act distant*
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) March 17, 2015
*looks over at dying plant* You too, huh?
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) March 13, 2015
