[park bench with girlfriend]
so you're dumping me because you don't think I'm smart?
great and now sky water
— brent (@murrman5) March 14, 2015
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can't ask for more shots
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 13, 2015
and how would you like your burger cooked?
by your chef
no, well done or-
poorly done please, my standards are very low [winks at date]
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) March 13, 2015
“What’s wrong with this picture?”
*art critic leans in close*
For starters, Mona Lisa is holding a dildo.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2015
my options are blackout drunk or blackout sober
— MeepisACAB (@MeepisMurder) March 17, 2015
when youre sitting on the toilet at work just killing time you dont need to pull your pants down. but i do it anyway
— deg (@degg) January 24, 2015
•make u sad
•put u in friendzone
•make u happy
•can never friendzone u bc it is just a hat
— LilBreadTheBakedGod (@dadcum) March 17, 2015
IF YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY, JUST REMEMBER THAT THERE'S SOME NIGGA OUT THERE WEARING AN EMOJI OUTFIT THINKING HE LOOKS FLY ASF
— Ace (@ASAPabdi) March 17, 2015
cop: do u know why i pulled you ov-
me: ur not wearing green lol!!
*pinches cop rly hard* *gets arrested*
— Rich Brian (@richbrian) March 17, 2015
"Aaaactually, these slippers are cubic zirconia. Glass would be too fragile," said Cinderella, condescending down the staircase.
— ghost mom (@radtoria) March 14, 2015
— mike sacks (@PhotosOfTV) March 17, 2015
Outback Steakhouse is going to be packed tonight
— John Vaccena (@mattytalks) March 17, 2015
when kendrick said "im the bigest hippogriff of 2015" pic.twitter.com/5gNwBA0ftM
— new york times bestselling AUTHOR JONNY SUN (@jonnysun) March 17, 2015