1. Never, ever take off your socks. The last thing you need salting your game is her freaking out in discomfort when your freezing cold toes accidentally caress her calf. Knee-high socks are probably best. And bonus points if you rock a pair that has those little grippies on the bottom, so that you won’t slide around the hardwood floor when you’re trying to get thrusting leverage.
2. While rolling the condom on, say just loudly for her to hear that it’s your first time since the surgery and you hope that you don’t bleed everywhere because these are new sheets goddamnit.
3. During foreplay, randomly whisper information about the origin and cultural relevancy of the “facial.”
4. After finishing, act shocked and scream “WHY DIDN’T FIREWORKS COME OUT THIS TIME?!?!”
5. Mid-coitus, begin to weep softly while staring deeply into her eyes. Refuse to break eye contact. (This one especially works well if it’s the first time you’ve met a woman. When I use this move, the girls are usually too smitten with me afterward to offer even a mild protest when I tell them I can’t spend the night.)
6. Eat a whole heap of onions before sex, and then mid-act, mutter “Yeah. I fuckin’ love onions. Nature’s treat. Yeah, you like ‘em too, don’t you? You can smell ‘em on me, can’t you?”
7. Live tweet the entire encounter. Also, use your smart phone as a vibrator.
8. When she is least expecting it, pinch her in the nipples and scream “PURPLE NURPLE!!!!”
9. Using at least one European accent, narrate your sex session as though it were a soccer game.
10. To get things started, stand naked at the foot of the bed and commence manually stimulating your wang. Say, “Babe, watch this. It’s about to get bigger and wider. It’s going to be like when Kirstie Alley goes off a diet. I’m girthy like that.”
11. When things start to really heat up, turn “The Thong Song” on. Put it on repeat. (Any Pretty Ricky song can serve as a suitable substitute.)
12. Tell her about the other day when you were snapping one off to a porn star who looked oddly like her, except younger.
13. Call her vagina “The Angry Beaver.”
14. Knowing your partner’s scent is very important, so during post-coital bliss, Dutch Oven her.
15. Order a pizza right before you get started. This is a win-win situation for all involved. Who doesn’t want a slice after a healthy romp in the hay, right? Carbs are crucial. And if by some miracle you last until the pizza arrives, you can incorporate its warm, saucy, cheesiness into your bedroom activities.
16. Just before you finish, ask her “who she is thinking about.”
17. Have a friend hide in your closet. When you finish, immediately bellow, “WHO’S THE BOSS?!?!” At this point, your friend should jump out of the closet, scream, “DANZA!” High-five him, then both of you should leave the room. On your way out, ask her if she’d like a Lean Pocket. Chivalry is not dead.
18. Bring up that one time when the two of you were talking dirty re: your adoration of onions, then leave the room. Come back moments later with onion rings looped onto your penis and various dipping sauces splattered all over your thighs and midriff.
19. Before sex, list for her all of the disgusting, terrible, no good things you will be thinking about during the act so that you do not ejaculate too quickly.
20. Don’t take off your boxers. Just put your dong through that little tent flap thingy and tell her that your little boy scout is about to go camping in his favorite ravine for the next 3-7 minutes.
21. After sex, fire up a smoke and then ask her if she “wants to try some butt stuff.” Then point at your cigarette and laugh, say, “Get it? BUTT stuff?” (She’ll want to go again in no time. Chicks get turned on by puns.)
22. In perfect cadence with every thrust, whisper this in her ear: “You are so much better than my ex. You are so much better than my ex. You are so much better than my ex.”
23. While getting undressed, ask her if you can do a post-coital couples picture that you can tag #aftersex and #freethenipple.
24. Whisper to her that your dad says wild sex helps build character.
25. When you enter her secret garden, tell her that it “feels so much better than that apple pie” you tried the one time.