This Is How I Know I’m Going To Lose You

Nina Geometrieva
Nina Geometrieva

I look into your eyes and I can already see the future. I can see you drifting away. You’ve loved someone before me and you will love someone after me. That’s just how it works. And I will always remain the in between.

I will never be the girl you fall head over heels with. I was never going to be the girl you feel butterflies in your stomach for, the girl you’d do anything to make smile. The girl that made you nervous, that made you work to want to impress her.

Instead, I was the comfortable, the girl you wanted to “hang” with. And I was okay with that. Or at least I thought I was.

But I’ll be damned because all I want is just a sliver of a feeling, something like in the films, to be swept off my feet. I want to feel. Feel the thrill of falling in love, of being loved, the excitement, the happiness.

Maybe this is all wrong. I know this isn’t what a relationship is about. But is it selfish to want? To want to have that warm feeling, the ones that start in your chest and travel right to the tip of your finger tips, to the pit of your stomach. Safe, bliss. I want to know what falling in love feels like.

I guess the girl before me was lucky. She got to taste what love was like from you. And I hope the girl after me is just as lucky. Because love from you, I just know, would be the sort of warmth we all crave for.

I know you didn’t love me because of the way you said my name. It didn’t roll off your tongue the way it did with hers. It didn’t sound safe in your mouth, the way hers did. And yet you made me so happy, happier than I could have wanted. So I know, if you loved someone, she would be the luckiest girl in the world.

Maybe it was my fault you didn’t love me.

I didn’t fall for you but I did love you. Maybe I wasn’t sure but I know now I did. And maybe I still do.

I never got to feel what it was like to fall in love. But I definitely know what the impact from the fall feels like.

You never caught me. TC mark

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