Sara Di Tullio

In the new year, I hope you believe. 

This me accepting that a heart that is broken is still worthy of love.

I wonder if my name is a wound that won’t heal. I wonder if every time it gets brought up, you try to sew it back together with the remaining threads of whatever mess this was.

When you push her away, you will look for her in everyone else, but no one will quite compare.

You were never the person I needed you to be. And I know it won’t be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. But I will learn to take things slowly.

You’ve created a world where your happiness depends on other people and without realizing it, you’ve let go of yourself in the process. You’ve forgotten the person you were before them. The person who dreamed, the person who knew their worth. You’ve spent so much time and energy putting your faith in someone else, when the only person you’ve ever needed to have faith in is yourself.

She wants the games to end. She wants things to be simple again. She wants to be able to be herself around you like she used to do so easily. She wants to move on from this complicated limbo of almost’s and what if’s. She wants to know that you feel the same because she has absolutely no idea if you truly do anymore.

Things aren’t always as cut and dry as they should be. We don’t get the answers that we need to move on. Strings of our past sometimes find a way to tangle themselves with the ones of our future. Lingering feelings and unspoken words make living in the moment a lot harder than it seems.

“It’s not a big deal. I forgot about it anyway.” The truth: I’ve replayed everything that happened a good 100 times already, each time thinking of what could have happened differently.

“Meh” has become stamped on your forehead. You say yes too much, because you “don’t care” enough to say no. You put up with toxic relationships and people that treat you like shit. You’re walking around with this nonchalant aura of indifference, but deep down you care more than you let on. “I’m fine” has become your favorite catchphrase.

Don’t settle, because love is not just a ‘word’. It doesn’t feed you the same lines over and over. It doesn’t say sorry without meaning it. It isn’t something as easy as empty syllables; it understands that actions speak louder.

Just once, I want to give my all to someone who will give me theirs in return. I don’t want to doubt whether or not I’m the only person on their mind. I want to go to sleep knowing that late night conversations will turn into “good morning” texts.