When you push her away, you make her question why you ever pulled her in. You force her to doubt reality. You leave her wondering if this was all in her head. You teach her to second guess her gut. Deep down, she thought this was going somewhere-after all, you acted like it was. You went out of your way to see her. You found every excuse to make sure your skin brushed up against hers. You smiled every time she laughed a little too loud and every time she noticed, your eyes shot straight to the ground. You messaged her for no reason at all. You talked to her friends about her, nonstop. You even hinted that you wanted her to be yours. But for every step forward, you took five steps back, until you left her no choice but to think that the person you were before was nothing but an act.
When you push her away, you make her feel like she’ll never be good enough to make anyone stay. You bring up every insecurity that’s been dancing in her mind for her entire life. Because when you’re so quick to dismiss your feelings, you make her feel like a complete idiot for having any towards you. Suddenly, you turn the girl who’s tried to be strong for so long into the girl who’s stuck in an endless cycle of “I should have known better” and “it’s all my fault”. When you choose not to acknowledge your part in this, you let her blame herself for things she never should. And when you toss her heart into the fire, you make her apologize for ever giving it to you.
When you push her away, you throw honesty out the window. Instead of facing her and giving her the answers you know she deserves, you run away as fast you can. You let her fill in her own blanks because you value your ego more than you value her. You choose your fears over the truth, because you’re scared of getting hurt. You’d rather tell a hundred lies, no matter how painful they may be, than to ever admit that you fell for her a little more than you intended to. You would rather hide your feelings than admit that they actually exist.
When you push her away, you take the easy way out. You do the same thing you’ve done time and time again. You bail the second things start to get too real for you. You freeze when something good starts to come your way. So, you choose to let her go rather than letting yourself be vulnerable for once in your life. You tell her she didn’t mean a thing to you because in your mind, that’s somehow easier than taking a second to swallow your pride. You keep telling yourself you’ll never find love, but deep down, you know you already did.
When you push her away, you push yourself away too. You stop yourself from feeling too much. You continue to hide behind everything you’re not. You don’t give yourself a chance to finally turn things in your life around. You’ll realize that you keep falling into the same destructive patterns because you don’t believe you’re worthy of anything else. And in that exact moment, you’ll know you should have never pulled away, because if there was anyone in the world that believed you were worthy of so much more, it was her.
When you push her away, you will look for her in everyone else, but no one will quite compare. It’s not that you won’t meet any other great girls- it’s that none of them will be the person who keeps consuming your mind. No matter how beautiful, inside and out, they may be, they won’t understand you like she did. You’ll miss having someone who cared enough to see right through your eyes to find the real you that’s been hidden your whole life. You’ll miss the way she found beauty in each and every one of your flaws. And before you know it, you’ll start to miss hers too.
When you push her away, you’ll regret it down the line. When no one else quite measures up. When you get disappointed that the other girls you find aren’t as free-spirited or honest as she was. When it’s late at night and you can’t stand being alone. When you try to fill that void with someone else and end up feeling even more lonely than you were before. When your mind starts playing the same “what if” scenarios you let spiral in hers for all those months. You’ll begin to understand just how much emotional turmoil you put her through. You’ll start to go as crazy as you made her seem. “Almost” will leave a sour taste in your mouth and it won’t be long before you finally understand what they mean when they say that it is never quite enough.
When you push her away, you’ll think she’ll always be there for you to come back to when you realize you made a mistake. You kept her in your back pocket this entire time, never once taking the time to think that just maybe, she wouldn’t wait around for someone who never gave her the time of day. You’ll swoop back into her life, pretending like you never even left. The messages, the inside jokes, the memories- you’ll use them all to get things back to the way they were. And while you’ll be preoccupied with planning your big return, I hope you understand that she’ll be busy planning a future with someone who never pushed her away in the first place- someone that she actually deserves.