I can’t speak for every girl in the world, but there a few dating no-no’s that I feel all men should avoid. Maybe these make me a stuck-up bitch…or maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic…but either way, these are my deal-breakers.
1. The dreaded “Here” text.
I know I did not just spend 2 hours running around my apartment like a chicken with its head cut off trying to make myself and my apartment look presentable for you and then you have the audacity to just send me a text saying “Here.” No. Do you understand how much effort it took me to look this good? Pantyhose and fake eyelashes are not something I just do on the regular. I even shaved my legs for you, goddammit. And you can’t even get out of your car to come to my front door? Sorry, this date is over before it even started.
2. Wrinkly clothes.
Again, do you realize how much time and effort went into me looking like this? I’d like to say I’m Queen Bee and I woke up like this but, I did not. I spent 40 minutes in the shower and I even have the shaving cuts to prove it. Probably spent another 30 minutes on my hair, which is record-breaking time; 20 minutes trying on 18 different outfits to then wear with the first one I tried on, of course, then another solid 10 minutes trying to make my eyeliner wings match, and you can’t even begin to comprehend how difficult that is. Now, I’m terribly sorry if ironing your shirt before you threw it on was too much work for you.
3. Not opening the car door.
If you passed the first test of coming to my front door then there’s probably a good chance you’ll pass the second one. Yes, I’m well aware that I’m capable of opening my car door myself, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be doing it for me. I feel as if car doors and restaurant doors are one in the same. Just open it. Be a gentleman. I understand that some of you ladies out there would probably get offended by this chivalrous act because you like to “assert your independence” and “men and woman are equals.” To each his own and I respect that. You can assert you independence all you want, but all I want is not to touch any public door handles.
4. “Where do you want to go?”
Wait, what? You didn’t make reservations? Oh, OK. So now we can play this awkward game:
“I don’t care wherever you want to go.”
“Doesn’t matter to me, I’m easy.”
“No really, you decide. You know this town better.”
Is there anything worse than that conversation? I honestly don’t think so. I want to be wined, dined, and taken care of. You pick the place and make reservations because if I get there and have to wait an hour in line I’m going to be super pissed. I already haven’t eaten anything since lunch because I’ve been preparing for this date—unlike you, clearly. Be assertive and take initiative. It’s sexy.
5. Checking your phone.
If I wanted to have dinner by myself I would have stayed home free from fake eyelashes and pantyhose with a box of pizza. I’m sure whatever mundane thing you’re looking at will be there in a couple of hours. Give it a rest—or at least wait until I sneak off to the washroom to check my phone, because staring at the top of your head while you stare down at your phone is only making me notice that you’re prematurely balding and that’s just not OK.
6. Not paying the bill.
This is our first date, and first impressions are everything. You paying for the bill isn’t just about being a gentleman; it shows that you’re responsible and steady. If you can’t afford to pay for our dinner, then you’re certainly not ready for a relationship. The whole reason I agreed to go out with you is to determine if I want to pursue a relationship with you and if you ask for separate bills, well then you just sealed your fate of never seeing me again. Harsh, I know, buts it’s just the way it goes. If things progress, I will be more than happy to pick up the tab, but while we’re in the beginning stages, you better reach for that bill.
7. The awkward goodnight kiss.
Congratulations! You’ve made it through the entire date without me walking out or without me dumping my drink all over your head. (That has happened before, but that’s a story for another time.) The entire date has been leading up to this point and we’ve both been thinking about it. I know you want to kiss me; it’s obvious, but can you just do it already? Enough with the small talk and the awkward eye contact. I’m definitely not going to make the first move, so you need to man up and just go for it. Don’t ask my permission. Trust me; you’d know if I didn’t want you to kiss me. So just lean in, cup my face, and take control. Nothing is sexier than a man who knows what he wants and goes for it.
All in all, I don’t think I’m asking too much here. Some may disagree and tell me that I’ll be single forever and others are in the same boat as me, just looking for our Prince Charming. Whichever the case may be, I wish you luck in this adventurous world of dating.