Ryan O'Connell

Body fat. Stop being afraid of getting fat so I can just get fat already. Please. Your vanity is holding me back from being the person I want to be.

Getting out of credit card debt and paying off your student loans. (HAS ANYONE DONE THIS YET? YOU LET ME KNOW, OKAY?)

Rule number one: Never believe anything anyone tells you in bed. Beds are safe spaces where lies take root and grow, grow, grow all the way to the ceiling until, suddenly, you’ll find yourself surrounded by nothing but lies.

Screw the friendship and just go for it. If you’re developing strong feelings for a friend, you’re probably in constant misery. Think about it. Realistically, can you do this forever? Can you actually deal with this pain and this longing for an indefinite period of time?

One thing you don’t realize in your twenties is that anything is possible. It sounds trite but it’s true. This is your moment.

They make you constantly feel like you have no genitalia, like you aren’t a sexual being. One dismissive glance or thoughtless comment chops your privates off and sends it to Mattel where Barbie and Ken dolls are made.

You will fall in love with someone for one night and one only. They’ll come to you when you need them and be gone in the morning when you don’t.

Be young. Be so young. Be born in 1996. Do you even know what that means? Do you even know what people who were born in the ’80s think of you? They can’t believe you’re a fully formed human being.

Your internet history will be in a really #dark place. Besides having Google searches such as, “What does it sound like when doves cry?” and “Voodoo love spells for the brokenhearted”, you’ll also be lurking them from every social networking corner possible.

In New York, everyone’s always crying about not having any money but it’s like, just move to Kansas City, Missouri, and live like a king if you hate it here so much. This isn’t Just Kids by Patti Smith anymore.

If you’re a person who still finds themselves 60% drunker than everyone else in the room, I encourage you to look deep within and admit to yourself that getting cray cray at a small gathering of friends at 6 p.m. wasn’t cute.

You’re going to give your heart to a few people who don’t deserve it. Then, one day you’ll come to your senses and ask them to give it back.

The Sea And Cake is a shockingly dull band. All the band members must’ve gotten together and been like, “We want to make music that renders people unconscious. How do we do that?”

After spending most of our lives being able to dress however we pleased, we’re now entering a time when we actually have to start considering whether or not an outfit is age-appropriate. When you’re in your mid-twenties though, this can be a surprisingly difficult thing to do.

You can’t survive in the modern world without some basic texting comprehension skills. In fact, they should really start offering it as a major at some liberal arts college. At the very least, you could take what you’ve learned and just make videos like the one I did below.

This song is so infectious, it melts even the coldest of hearts. (Read: Bloggers.) Are you in a fight with someone? Sit down in a room together and play this song. I bet that by the end of it, you will be jumping up and down holding hands and singing along.

You won’t seem desperate! And even if you do, who cares? This person is obviously not the one for you if they can’t handle a punctual text. COULD YOU REALLY HAVE A BABY WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN’T DEAL WITH SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS AN ON-TIME TEXT?

Think of flirting as a brain exercise. You have to work out the muscle that helps people fall in love with you! And the less serious you take it, the more likely you’re able to yield positive results.