1. Getting blackout wasted
I’ve never blacked out before. I’ve possibly “browned out” — not remembered specific details like what I ordered when I had a fourth meal at some restaurant at 4 a.m. — but I’ve never woken up after a night of drinking and thought to myself, “What happened?” It’s not like there weren’t ample opportunities for my memory to go on vacay when I was drinking. After all, I spent the first two years of my life in New York hungover and vomiting. But I never actually made it to blackout town. Instead, I just made a damn fool of myself and had the misfortune of remembering all of it the next day. In more shame-filled moments, I would almost feel jealous of people who blacked out. They could do whatever and say whatever they wanted, without ever having to really take responsibility for their actions.
At the end of the day though, I’m thankful my mind/body never betrayed me like that. Getting blackout may’ve been socially acceptable during college — a time when binge drinking was not only allowed, it was encouraged and praised — but the times have changed. I, for one, am old enough to know better than to blame alcohol and a lack of memory for any mistakes I’ve made. I’ve been drinking for the past eight years of my life. If I don’t have it down by now, it means I have a problem.
If you’re a person who still finds themselves 60% drunker than everyone else in the room, I encourage you to look deep within and admit to yourself that getting cray cray at a small gathering of friends at 6 p.m. wasn’t cute. People weren’t loving it. You’re not the cutest drunk and, despite what you may have told yourself, no one loves a hot mess.
2. Not knowing how to do stuff
I’ll admit it. I’m president of the “I don’t know how to do stuff” club. Actually, it’s not even a club since I don’t even know how to manage those. So, really, it’s just me sitting on top of a cardboard box with “How do you do that?” written across it in black Sharpie. I’m convinced that all of my peers secretly went to “how to do stuff” meetings behind my back and accrued all of this useful knowledge. Because now, I’m like the only asshole who doesn’t know where to buy stamps or know how to get a stain out of a carpet. My lack of common knowledge isn’t cute anymore. Maybe it was for a brief second my first year at college but now I just look profoundly helpless and dumb.
3. Talking to your boyfriend in baby talk
FYI, this was NEVER cute but we tolerated it because, whatever, you were young and couldn’t emotionally handle getting screwed on the regular or something. But now, this baby talk has got to stop. You can’t just talk to me using a normal voice and then turn to your boyfriend and adapt this feeble Paris Hilton-sounding tone. I’m right here! I can hear you! Baby talk is creepy for anyone who isn’t a baby so stop it. Just call your boyfriend “babe” in an age-appropriate voice and call it a day.
4. Talking about how ugly you are
“Haggard McGee over here” reads the caption of your latest default picture on Facebook. Really? Insulting your appearance in a photo that you choose to broadcast to friends and randoms doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Can we just admit that we can all look decent? We’re young, our skin is tight, and our bodies can look okay if we put them in the right flattering clothing. We have no reason not to look cute so stop saying you’re ugly and save it for when you gain 80 pounds or turn 74. Whichever comes first.
5. Being an unfunny b-tch
Thanks to Twitter and Facebook, I get to see the complaints of acquaintances every single day. “Girl, you need to burn that skirt.” Or “I wish I could tell you that I don’t care about anything you’re saying.” People are under the impression that their dick opinions are cute. Like, yeah, it sounds harsh but people retweet it and seem to think it’s funny! But it’s actually the opposite. Airing all your nasty inner thoughts on your social media accounts — unless they’re actually hysterical and a little self-deprecating — is not a good look for anyone. It just makes you look unnecessarily mean. (Now that I’m thinking about it, am I being an unfunny bitch throughout this post? Um, G2G! Taking my own advice…)