5 Things That Just Aren’t Cute Anymore

1. Getting blackout wasted

I’ve never blacked out before. I’ve possibly “browned out” — not remembered specific details like what I ordered when I had a fourth meal at some restaurant at 4 a.m. — but I’ve never woken up after a night of drinking and thought to myself, “What happened?” It’s not like there weren’t ample opportunities for my memory to go on vacay when I was drinking. After all, I spent the first two years of my life in New York hungover and vomiting. But I never actually made it to blackout town. Instead, I just made a damn fool of myself and had the misfortune of remembering all of it the next day. In more shame-filled moments, I would almost feel jealous of people who blacked out. They could do whatever and say whatever they wanted, without ever having to really take responsibility for their actions.

At the end of the day though, I’m thankful my mind/body never betrayed me like that. Getting blackout may’ve been socially acceptable during college — a time when binge drinking was not only allowed, it was encouraged and praised — but the times have changed. I, for one, am old enough to know better than to blame alcohol and a lack of memory for any mistakes I’ve made. I’ve been drinking for the past eight years of my life. If I don’t have it down by now, it means I have a problem.

If you’re a person who still finds themselves 60% drunker than everyone else in the room, I encourage you to look deep within and admit to yourself that getting cray cray at a small gathering of friends at 6 p.m. wasn’t cute. People weren’t loving it. You’re not the cutest drunk and, despite what you may have told yourself, no one loves a hot mess.

2. Not knowing how to do stuff

I’ll admit it. I’m president of the “I don’t know how to do stuff” club. Actually, it’s not even a club since I don’t even know how to manage those. So, really, it’s just me sitting on top of a cardboard box with “How do you do that?” written across it in black Sharpie. I’m convinced that all of my peers secretly went to “how to do stuff” meetings behind my back and accrued all of this useful knowledge. Because now, I’m like the only asshole who doesn’t know where to buy stamps or know how to get a stain out of a carpet. My lack of common knowledge isn’t cute anymore. Maybe it was for a brief second my first year at college but now I just look profoundly helpless and dumb.

3. Talking to your boyfriend in baby talk

FYI, this was NEVER cute but we tolerated it because, whatever, you were young and couldn’t emotionally handle getting screwed on the regular or something. But now, this baby talk has got to stop. You can’t just talk to me using a normal voice and then turn to your boyfriend and adapt this feeble Paris Hilton-sounding tone. I’m right here! I can hear you! Baby talk is creepy for anyone who isn’t a baby so stop it. Just call your boyfriend “babe” in an age-appropriate voice and call it a day.

4. Talking about how ugly you are

“Haggard McGee over here” reads the caption of your latest default picture on Facebook. Really? Insulting your appearance in a photo that you choose to broadcast to friends and randoms doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Can we just admit that we can all look decent? We’re young, our skin is tight, and our bodies can look okay if we put them in the right flattering clothing. We have no reason not to look cute so stop saying you’re ugly and save it for when you gain 80 pounds or turn 74. Whichever comes first.

5. Being an unfunny b-tch

Thanks to Twitter and Facebook, I get to see the complaints of acquaintances every single day. “Girl, you need to burn that skirt.” Or “I wish I could tell you that I don’t care about anything you’re saying.” People are under the impression that their dick opinions are cute. Like, yeah, it sounds harsh but people retweet it and seem to think it’s funny! But it’s actually the opposite. Airing all your nasty inner thoughts on your social media accounts — unless they’re actually hysterical and a little self-deprecating — is not a good look for anyone. It just makes you look unnecessarily mean. (Now that I’m thinking about it, am I being an unfunny bitch throughout this post? Um, G2G! Taking my own advice…) TC mark

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Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • http://facebook.com/dciuca Diana

    perfect in every way

  • http://jemmehlee.wordpress.com jemmehlee

    Lol I like the picture, very elegant! :P

  • Bugs

    #6: Your articles. When did TC start having such little thought behind an article?

    • Goosey


    • http://gravatar.com/nishantjn nishantjn

      #7: Terming every contrary opinion as “hater”.

  • http://www.facebook.com/crls420 Carlos Ortiz

    on ‘not knowing how to do stuff’, i highly recommend Google and YouTube.
    an 11 year old in an African village built a windmill that generates electricity from looking at pictures in books from the us-funded library that he couldn’t even read because they were in English and was astounded years later when he got on a computer for the first time and googled windmills resulting in millions of entries.
    they should pay me to advertise for google. ‘just google it’ would be what i would say.

    • blahblah

      I’m with you on this. Let’s spread the word. ‘Just google it’.

  • http://twitter.com/rob_t_firefly Rob Vincent (@rob_t_firefly)

    Baby talk is creepy when directed at babies as well. A friend of mine came up with my all-time favorite idea for a baby t-shirt: “STOP TALKING TO ME IN THAT STUPID VOICE.”

    • Emma

      man, I totally agree, but unfortunately, research has proven that babies develop linguistic skills faster if parents talk to them in an enthusiastic, raised pitch, and in simple sentences. I was as disappointed as you are.

    • May

      That is pure unblemished genius and I am sure to steal the idea.

  • http://fifthfloorfuckers.wordpress.com nishantjn

    It’s not fun commenting if you can’t upvote someone’s comment or have a proper discussion. Please get Disqus back?

  • http://twitter.com/IleneTheAleph Ilene P. (@IleneTheAleph)

    Is it just me or does think post seem mainly directed at women? (the last 3 anyway)…Also, the last 2 seem espsecially Facebook-oriented pieces of advice. Being an “unfunny b*tch” is pretty subjective, and it’s actually sometimes an effective way to get things done in the real world.

    • http://twitter.com/IleneTheAleph Ilene P. (@IleneTheAleph)

      like *especially

  • Suz

    I do all of these except for the (quite vague) number 5 because (1) I’m too busy talking about how ugly I am to turn my bitchiness to others; (2) How I talk to my boyfriend in the privacy of our home is no one’s goddamn business; (3) No one ever knows how to do every type of “stuff” but I’m comfortable enough to admit it; (1) who cares if I get blackout wasted if I’m not hurting anyone or myself?

    • Suz

      *Replace the second (1) with (4)

    • SA

      Just because you do them doesn’t mean they’re cute, whether or not it’s not someone else’s business, you’re gonna get judged. That’s the way society is

      • Suz

        Yeah good point. I guess I just don’t have a major deal-breaking issue with any of these behaviours and, in commenting, forgot the piece is all about the ‘cute’ angle. Really, none of these things were ever cute to begin with, let alone anymore.

  • Tanner H

    I’m stilling laughing at the RingPop on the dude’s finger

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/06/5-things-that-just-aren%e2%80%99t-cute-anymore/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] Thought Catalog » Life Add a comment […]

  • Keely

    409 gets any stain out……

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