1. They intern
Do you know what I hear when someone says they’re interning five days a week in New York City this summer? I hear “Someone is paying me to live so I can intern five days a week in New York City this summer.” Let’s face it, money has to come from somewhere, y’all! And if you’re in your early twenties, there’s only so many places it can come from — the least likely being your actual job. So let’s narrow down the possibilities, shall we? If you’re interning full-time, you are probably either being supported by scholarship money from your school, student loans, or your parents. Pick one. That’s what makes interning so screwed up. It provides career opportunities only to those who can work for free. If you don’t have the luxury to not get paid for your work, you’re out of luck! Actually, that’s not entirely true. The likelihood of an internship turning into a job is slim these days, so people aren’t really missing out on anything. Besides, a lot of the people who intern don’t really need or want a job anyway. They’re just killing time before they can have their own dress line at Kohls like Lauren Conrad!
2. They live in New York City
In New York, everyone’s always crying about not having any money but it’s like, just move to Kansas City, Missouri, and live like a king if you hate it here so much. This isn’t Just Kids by Patti Smith anymore. If you live here, there is a strong chance you’re getting some help! You aren’t poor; you probably came from one of the wealthier families in your small town. It’s just that New York is so expensive that it makes “upper middle class” translate to “railroad apartment in Bushwick.” Seriously, you guys, the levels of wealth here are obscene. You could be, by most people’s standards, a well-off person and still only be able to afford a closet in the East Village with cockroaches. But it’s like, you’re paying $1600 a month for that closet. It’s a damn expensive closet and if you can afford to spend that much money on rent, you are in a good place financially. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve met here who live in dilapidated apartments in horrible neighborhoods and are secretly rich on the DL. This one dude I know lived in a railroad apartment in Crown Heights when his parents owned a townhouse in the West Village! Can you believe it? I almost hooked up with him once but he slept in a bunk bed and it was the middle room of a railroad. I wanted to be like, “Can we, like, go to your parents house instead? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF/ME?” Rich people and their desire to “live like everybody else” is hilarious and borderline offensive.
3. They don’t cook
You know what costs money? Food. You know what costs even more money? Food you don’t make yourself. If you’re one of those people who’s eating out for almost every meal, there’s a strong chance that you are rich, bitch! Right now my roommate has a plate of beans in the fridge that she’s been hoarding for like three days. You know why? She has $20 to last her till Friday and can’t afford to waste any food. She can’t eat out at all. She has to make these weird meals with whatever ingredients she has left in the fridge because she can’t even go grocery shopping until she gets paid. That’s real, y’all! If you’re eating at the Whole Foods salad bar every day and generally being “whatevs!” when it comes to eating out, don’t be telling me you’re broke. I will laugh in your face and then steal a sip from your $10 juice.
4. They go out a lot
I know some people who claim to have no money and yet they’re hitting the bars every night. What gives?! When I go out, I have to expect to spend up to a hundred bucks. $40 of it goes to drinks. $25 goes to those last drinks you shouldn’t be having. Another $25 goes to the cab ride and the last of it is lost to a deli sandwich. There. A hundred bucks. Bye. It costs money to do things, to be active, to be social. You know what doesn’t cost money though? Sitting at home in your apartment and staring at a wall. That’s free.
5. Having nice things
So if you have a lot of designer clothing and stuff, you’re obvs rich but what I’m obsessed with is those people who appear to be living the simple life until you go over to their apartment and realize that they have like organic dish soap and expensive shampoo. WTF? There’s a hole in your wall but I’m staring at your $40 candle. People who can afford the best of the most asinine stuff like soaps, toiletries, candles, bedding, definitely have some money because people who are really struggling aren’t buying the organic dish soap and fancy salsa. They’re on that Tostitos tip, okay?