The Complete Guide To Having Sex In Your Twenties

The “I can’t believe I’m seeing you naked” sex

“I can’t believe I’m seeing you naked” sex could be either good or bad. Your disbelief could stem from your joy of finally being able to seal the deal on a long-standing crush, or you could actually just be shocked that you’re having sex with someone you have no interest in. Either way, it’s exciting! Like unwrapping the weird-shaped box under the Christmas tree! You’re just like, “What the HELL could be under there?”

Double the sex: Blast “Underneath Your Clothes” by Shakira during coitus and whisper the lyrics, “Underneath your clothes, there’s an endless #NotClearOn story…” in their ear

The “Why don’t we make sense anywhere else other than the bedroom?” sex

Great sex can be a curse if it doesn’t translate to your brains. It’s a cruel joke, this idea that you could be so in tune with someone when they’re naked but when the orgasms fade, they might as well be speaking Greek to you.  You’ll try so hard to make it work, you will never have tried harder to have a good conversation with someone, but it’s not in the cards.  Whatever you do, do NOT get into a relationship with this person. You’ll just end up having lots of amazing sex punctuated with awkward silences, which may sound appealing but… no.

Double the sex: Try to spend the whole day together without having sex. Plan fun activities to ensure that it’ll be a good time. End up sleeping together in a public place by 6pm.

The “I’m too distracted” sex

Admit it, your mind wanders during sex. It wanders to a faraway land so removed from blowjobs and naked bodies that you’ll wonder where the hell you actually are. “I thought I was having sex?” you’ll ask yourself. “So how did I end up thinking about Darfur?” Don’t feel bad for having sex ADD. Sometimes you just aren’t in the mood. You start off feeling really into it but then you quickly lose steam. Unfortunately, you can’t back out! You’ve already committed to it! You’ve signed the agreement. Now you just have to moan and bear it. Oh, the horrors!

Double the sex: Have someone go down on you with the TV on and find yourself more engrossed with the TV show than the oral sex. Yes, this means your life is offically a Blink-182 song.

The “Wait, are we making love?” sex

So much of the sex we have in our twenties is hilarious, awkward, and primal. Like, you’re either laughing and getting embarrassed or trying to imitate the kind of sex you see in porn.  Occasionally though, you will actually find yourself MAKING LOVE to someone and it will blow your effing mind like a Sade song. You might even find yourself wanting to weep silently in your pillow afterward. (That’s not okay. You can’t do that. I understand it but nope.)  Making love is different than screwing and that difference is that YOU ARE A LESBIAN. Just kidding. The difference is that you actually love the person you’re with and you’re not so concerned with just getting yourself off. You want to demonstrate your love for this person via an intense make out session and gentle ball caresses. You want to shake and quiver and be held.

Double this sex: Actually listen to Sade during a lovemaking session. Be that gay.

The “I hate you byeeeeeee” sex

Angry sex is real and has the ability to end lives. It’s that crazy! It’s especially dangerous to have it in your twenties because, hi, we’re permanently angry about everything and sometimes tweeting rude shit on our Twitter isn’t enough! We have to basically kill some poor, unfortunate soul one violent thrust at a time! Oh, the casualties! Go join my sexual graveyard with the rest of them. (Sidenote: Angry sex can also be easily be confused with drunk sex because you often wake up with the same amount of bruises. But trust me, it’s different.)

Double the sex: Roleplay. Nothing gets you a “Get out of jail free” card better than a crazy sexual roleplaying session. “I didn’t mean to scratch your face and make you bleed! I was just getting into character, jeez!”

The “Oh, we’re doing dirty talk? Ok!” sex

Dirty talk is an acquired taste. Many people don’t like it but I find that if it’s with the right person, it can be really fun. Just don’t overdo it too much because the line between “sexy” and “EW, WTF?” is super thin.

Double the sex: Say this: “And then I’m gonna feed you kale from Whole Foods and pay off your student loans. Oh, yeah. And then you know what I’m gonna do to you next? I’m going to pay off your sexy credit card debt and buy you a freaking sexy ass apartment!” Seriously if someone said this to me during sex, I would cum, like, 8000 times.

The “Did we have sex?” sex

I can’t mention sexual experiences in your twenties without including alcohol and memory loss. 60% of our sexual experiences are forgettable quite literally because we can’t remember them! And there is nothing worse than waking up the morning after next to some person you vaguely recognize and realizing you need to poop.

Double the sex: Take Xanax. Have Xanax sex. You could let the person do you in the bellybutton and not care/have any memory of it later.

The “I can’t believe I just had anal sex” sex

Anal is a rite of passage for many people in their twenties. Whether they’re doing out of curiosity or necessity, it’s an experience that leaves its mark on everyone. (Hopefully a mark that’s not their shit.) Only do it if you’re truly committed though. Like, if you can get out of an anal situation, by all means, run like hell. But if you’re interested to see how the other (gayer) half lives, go forth! Live in the land of anal! Just make sure you give yourself some prep time and, if possible, consult an on-site therapist before, after, and during.

Double the sex: Do it with a well-endowed person and see STARS.

The “turn the freaking lights off” sex

Having sex with the lights on takes balls and a 28-inch waist. It’s hard to let someone see your body in HD. It’s hard to let them see every weird nook under a beaming light. So, who can blame you for wanting to do it in a blackout? Maybe you went to Chipotle and want to conceal a food baby. Maybe you just don’t want to see what your partner really looks live. Whatever the reason, just know this: Darkness is our friend.

Double the sex: Have a breakout on your back. Have sex with someone you’ve already slept with, except you were ten pounds lighter.

The “Oh my god, the condom broke!” sex

If condoms are supposed to be our friends, why do they betray us so often? Why do they run off our penises in the middle of the night, leaving us to believe that we’re pregnant or a baby daddy? It’s the worst when this happens with someone you just met. “Hey, I just met you and this is crazy but I think the condom broke! So let’s get Plan B!”

Double the sex: Actually get pregnant.TC Mark

image – tsmall

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

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  • http://twitter.com/rararyan Ryan Kirkland (@rararyan)

    Hahaha oh my god I’m dying at the last section.

    “Double the sex: Actually get pregnant.”

    Sexy.

  • Nicola

    what guidance could anyone possibly find in this poorly written waste of time…

    really, though. you fell off on this one. it’s terrible in a way that makes me embarrassed for you.

    • FJB

      Are you 20? And have you ever had sex? If so, you’ve either mastered the art of intercourse completely, or you read this article backwards. It’s great.

      • FrickingAwesome

        she’s probably american, that whole nation needs to chill out with its repressed sexuality issues.

    • Stacie

      This is called humor.

  • maria maria

    I just burst out laughing in my cubicle at this line:
    “Hey, I just met you and this is crazy but I think the condom broke! So let’s get Plan B!”
    Just recently started reading Thought Catalog, but everything you write Ryan has me cracking me up.

    • http://www.facebook.com/brandonwhumphries Brandon Humphries

      I totally spaced when I read that the first time. Brilliant line!

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/07/the-complete-guide-to-having-sex-in-your-twenties-2/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] Thought Catalog » Love & Sex Add a comment […]

  • J

    “And then I’m gonna feed you kale from Whole Foods and pay off your student loans. Oh, yeah. And then you know what I’m gonna do to you next? I’m going to pay off your sexy credit card debt and buy you a freaking sexy ass apartment!” Seriously if someone said this to me during sex, I would cum, like, 8000 times.

    YES! oh god, YES!

    • http://www.facebook.com/elizabeth.brazen Elizabeth Brazen

      The things dreams are made of.

    • Jason

      I’m going to say, “I’m gonna feed you kale from Whole Foods and pay of your student loans”, in real life some day, and it is going to be amazing.

  • sarah

    Hilarious as always (and scary how i can relate to most of those) but honestly the posts about sex/drugs/alcohol/you being gay are getting old. Almost every post you write has to mention “penis” “gay” “drunk” or all three. I dare you to write one without mentioning any of these. Just one.

    • Maria

      Thank you! Just what I was thinking

    • http://twitter.com/tr_sk_ys tres keys (@tr_sk_ys)

      PEOPLE LIKE YOU need to get the fuck. If you’re not writing, you don’t need to tell anyone what to write…

    • n_o
    • Seriously

      Considering those are issues that impact people and their identities for their entire lives, I don’t really think they can get old if they’re done right. Fuck! I firmly believe a good writer could write a book the size of War and Peace about a crumb on their living room table without it “getting old” if they’re talented and know how to look at a topic in many ways. Also I don’t hear you complaining about how many posts on this site is about straight people or straight relationships. I’m sure if we counted it up the “gay” posts would be far outnumbered, but queer people deserve to see themselves and their issues represented too. If that fair representation is “getting old” for you, then no one is forcing you to read.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brandon.buchanan.31 Brandon Buchanan

    I just had my Mac read this with the “speech” function and it was HILARIOUS!!

  • summer16

    omg….it’s so dead on

    Try to spend the whole day together without having sex. Plan fun activities to ensure that it’ll be a good time. End up sleeping together in a public place by 6pm.

  • J.

    I think you should try writing something that doesn’t involve the following things:
    -Your homosexuality
    -Alcohol
    -Sex
    -Being in your twenties
    -Any of the above things in a list of any kind.
    Because honestly, your writing is very predictable. It’s like reading the lyrics to “We Are Young” in the form of an article. And I hate that song.

    • n_o

      This is a joke, right? It has to be a joke. Because, like, I’m pretty sure you’re missing THE WHOLE POINT.

  • Meow

    Sex with the lights off with the absence of dirty talk and anything experimental leads to the “I’m too distracted sex” for me.

  • http://twitter.com/tr_sk_ys tres keys (@tr_sk_ys)

    THIS WAS HILARIOUS!
    #xanaxsex

  • http://twitter.com/dianasalier diana salier (@dianasalier)

    “Making love is different than screwing and that difference is that YOU ARE A LESBIAN. ”

    LOL i’m a lesbian and i love this #funnycauseitstrue

  • jayceel

    Ryan, fucking hilarious. Straight crying during the “making love” one and all the way to the end. Congrats, you’re great with punctuation as tone

  • Taylor

    “And there is nothing worse than waking up the morning after next to some person you vaguely recognize and realizing you need to poop.” – HAHA the worst!

  • Sam

    Say this: “And then I’m gonna feed you kale from Whole Foods and pay off your student loans. Oh, yeah. And then you know what I’m gonna do to you next? I’m going to pay off your sexy credit card debt and buy you a freaking sexy ass apartment!” Seriously if someone said this to me during sex, I would cum, like, 8000 times.

    Dying. Ryan, you are a genius.

  • http://www.facebook.com/devans24 André Evans

    Hilarious Ryan, great article

  • C

    I laughed. So hard.

  • http://torontonewyorkcity.wordpress.com Toronto to New York City

    LAWL

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  • http://www.insteadofanelephant.blogspot.com Katie

    yes. YES. no sense sex.

  • Ryan

    Question about the anal sex section. You mention having sex with a well-endowed person, and how much better it makes the sex. I have never been with a well-endowed person, so I have to ask: is it really that much better? Or are you just a size queen?

  • emurrz

    Hilarious
    such a good read

  • lala

    I want to make love to this article. SO F**KING FUNNY

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/21-questions-i-have-for-people-in-long-term-relationships/ 21 Questions I Have For People In Long-Term Relationships | Thought Catalog

    […] 9. Does the sex ever get boring? Even if it’s like, super great right now, it has to get boring a… […]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/09/21-questions-i-have-for-people-in-long-term-relationships/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] 9. Does the sex ever get boring? Even if it’s like, super great right now, it has to get boring a… […]

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