5 Things Stoned People Like To Do

1. Talk about conspiracy theories and/or aliens

Paranoia and pot go together like fashion and anorexia. I’m not sure why, but being stoned just compels you to think about “the bigger picture.” And for stoners, the bigger picture often involves the government lying to you and possibly wanting you dead. It’s funny how stoned people either want to talk about the most juvenile topics or the most heavy. It’s either farts or the meaning of life. Pick one. Aliens and conspiracy theories fall more towards the latter. In college, I had to sit through so many bored, stoned nights listening to someone named Moon with dreads talk about Loose Change—the documentary that suggests the government played in a role in 9/11. First of all, ew. Second of all, you don’t talk about that shit in New York. People lost family members on Wall Street so you just can’t tell someone who lost a brother that it was the government’s fault, okay? Third of all, I want Cheetos.

2. Laugh at inappropriate times

Being stoned is HIGHlarious, right? All you want to do is laugh, laugh, and then laugh some more. But sometimes the timing is not right. Sometimes someone will be talking about something intense when you’ll feel the familiar urge to laugh. You’ll try to suppress it of course, but that just makes you want to laugh more. Then smash cut: You laughing at someone while they’re talking about their bipolar disorder. Your friend is as horrified by your insensitivity as are you. You’re sitting there laughing so hard you can’t breath, thinking, “Oh my god, please make this stop. I feel like such an asshole. Please, I beg of you marijuana. Make me stop laughing!” When you eventually stop, there’s this weird thickness in the air and you’ll just say very slowly, “I am so…very…sorry.” Also amusing while high: Abortions, betrayal, and casual racism.

3. Make out with someone

Weed is not known for being an aphrodisiac. You’re too lazy and feel too crazy to actually get down to the real business. But what is fun is a nice make out sesh. When you’re high, senses are working overtime so things like texture and touch feel pretty amazing. Eating someone’s lips can be better than eating something at Del Taco! Once I made out with someone stoned and their lips felt like literal pillows. My lips basically wanted to nap on their lips. It was hot.

4. Have weird conversations on the phone with their parents

Fact: Your parents always call you when you’re high. They have a sixth sense for when their children are killing brain cells. Dateline instilled it in them or something. So when my mom and dad call me when I’m stoned, I go through the following emotions:

  • First ring: Oh my god, it’s my mom/dad.
  • Second ring: Fuck…
  • Third ring: I’m so high. I can’t answer.
  • Fourth ring: OK, I’ll answer.

You always answer. It’s weird. You know it’s going to be awful trying to talk to them when you’re stoned, but you do it anyway, probably out of guilt. This one time my dad called me when I was high and actually faked a heart attack on the phone (my dad is weird) and I started to hyperventilate/cry in a room full of stoned 19-year-old’s who were checking for each other’s auras. My weed consumption drastically decreased shortly thereafter.

5. Sit in awkward silence

Smoking pot can get real weird. If it’s not done in the right context, it can become a total awkward fest. Talking while high is already difficult to begin with so if you’re with someone you don’t really know/like, the hangout can devolve into long periods of silence. You’ll stare at the ruffles in a potato chip for twenty minutes to avoid making conversation. Potato chip > random high person. It’s important to do it with people you like who will understand if you want to zone out for a sec. Like I mentioned earlier, you’re already prone to paranoia when you’re high so if you’re with someone you’re not comfortable with, you might feel the pressure to entertain them or worry that you’re behaving stupidly. Oh my god, stoned people worry about acting too stoned all the time. “Am I acting weird? Will they know?!” And it’s like, “Um, well you did spend the last ten minutes telling a story about a duvet cover but whatever. You’re totally fine!” Ugh, I guess I just don’t like to get stoned. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Matt

    Is this for real? I swear, sometimes the shit I see on this site is just the dumbest fucking dreck I've ever encountered.

  • Ian

    You obviously don't smoke a lot of pot.

    • ryan chang

      1-4 seem, to me, dependent on how 'big' of a stoner you are. #3 especially. i had pretty good conversations with my mom while i was stony baloney.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I've done plenty of #3 and #5. (and #6 which is sex).

  • KT

    This is so funny…it's like watching my 14 year old self trying to educate the world on all things drug-related cos like, you know, I was the first, the best and the biggest. The world needs to know this stuff from oh-so-clever 14 year olds!

  • charlotte

    “Fact: Your parents always call you when you’re high. They have a sixth sense for when their children are killing brain cells.”

    so totally true

  • http://profiles.google.com/oladosuf Bomi Oladosu

    I would have thought that grubbing would have been on the list.

  • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

    Maybe add “Write one of the greatest pieces of poetry of this or any century (Ginsberg's Howl)” or “Become one of the pioneers of modern astrophysics (Carl Sagan).

    I'm so tired of the typical pot stereotypes. Why don't you write about what it feels like to have an intelligent thought.

    • xtos

      My thoughts on this article notwithstanding — shut the fuck up. Are you retarded?

      I'M so tired of potheads talking about other weed smokers when people attack their precious plant. Congratulations asshole, how many poems have you written, how many medals have you won, fields have you pioneered?

      At least there's plausibility when people talk about weed's medical benefits (although they are usually still college students getting high and playing xbox and NOT caner patients or chronic pain sufferers), but the people you've mentioned are literally one in a million.

      Hey, kitchen knives are so bad! You know what people with kitchen knives do? Rape and murder little boys (John Wayne Gacy) or abduct and mutilate women (Ted Bundy). I'm tired of kitchen knife owners being stereotyped as typical people who use their knives to cook things!!!!

      • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

        I've written lots of poems actually. And made even more photographs. Some of which have graced such illustrious media outlets as the NY Times and GQ. Thats what I've done. And marijuana had/has a lot to do with my creative process. Finally, your analogy is weak. People have actually died from knives. :)

        Why don't you swirl that around in your brain while I light up another joint .

      • Lia

        Suddenly I understand why both the NYT and GQ have sucked so hard recently.

    • Rickyshicltizz

      you're a fucking idiot real suck talk my bong

    • Miss Pants

      omg. being stoned with you seems like it might be the worst.

  • Chaoscossack

    Thought Catalog is anything but.

  • http://twitter.com/hallithbates hallithbates

    also focusing and unfocusing your eyes while looking at lights/ talking to people and being generally unaware of the ridiculousness of your facial expressions.

  • http://twitter.com/straponheart Evan Hatch

    seems like “SMOKE WEED” is conspicuously absent…

  • dip

    6. Read Thought Catalog

    • dip

      just tried to like my own comment

      • Babyrape

        12 nigga 12

  • candace

    If my friend isn't home for New Years with her family, they always make sure to call her. Last year she was out with me and a few others and we got stoned, so she decided to call THEM… 18 minutes before midnight to tell them that she would call back. Waiting that 18 minutes (11:42) was the longest of my life -__-

  • adrian saunders


  • Thought Catalog

    Reblogged this on fl3urs.

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