1. Deny that they’re drunk
If I had a quarter for every time a drunk person claimed they were totally sober, I would not be writing this article right now. Instead, I would be shopping at Barneys New York with a girl named Muffy and having a 2 p.m. cocktail. For some inexplicable reason, drunk people hate being perceived as being blotto. Even after everyone has seen them take five tequila shots, they will deny they’re wasted. They’ll slur their words with half an eye open and say, “But I’m not even that drunk you know. Like I’m buzzed, but I’m totally fine.” And then they fall out of their chair, offer a sheepish expression, and run to the bar to order another drink. What’s with this issue of drunk shame? When I’m wasted, I’ll usually say some variation of, “I’m wasted! # 1 party girl brat! PARTY FOREVER!” I take ownership over my lack of sobriety. I AM NOT A LIAR. The only people who should be lying about their inebriation are alcoholics. Everyone else just needs to face the wasted music.
2. Lose everything they own
Recently a friend of mine who loves to drink purchased a million dollar iPhone. He showed it to me excitedly and was like, “Isn’t this great? It’s like my whole life can be stored on here.” My private initial response was, “Yeah, stored and then lost in an imminent blackout.” People who like to get cray cray should not be allowed to own expensive things. At the Apple store, there should be some sort of test involved that would gauge your alcohol intake before they sell you one of their products because a lush is allergic to valuable things. “Ew! Get this priceless family heirloom off of me and let’s get some pizza!” or “Ugh, my iPhone is too heavy. Does this homeless guy want it?” A drunk person just wants to go back to basics. They don’t even like wearing clothes. And when they wake up the next morning naked with their phone and wallet missing, they’ll be horrified and devastated, but they also won’t be entirely surprised.
3. Tell other people’s secrets
A drunk person loves to spill the beans and potentially ruin relationships. It’s not because they’re malicious nightmares, they just can’t help it. The secret telling can occur in two ways. The first is revealing a major secret as a casual aside. Say you’re at a party with your friend and you see the “it” couple walk in together. A drunk person can just say nonchalantly, “I can’t believe he Chris Browns her. It’s so sad.” Your friend will be like, “WTF? He hits her?!” and the drunk friend will respond, “Oh my god. I can’t believe I just said that. No one knows. Promise me you won’t say anything!” The other way to tell a secret is more intense and direct. A drunk person will usually corner their friend in a bathroom and be like, “I have something to tell you, but you cannot say anything!” Your friend will be like, “OK. What?’ and the drunk friend will grab your hands and shake them, “No. I’m serious. This is some serious shit!” It can go on like this for 5-10 minutes before they finally fess up. Depending on the severity of the secret, they might even cry which is super annoying and unfortunate because it’s like, you just made yourself cry. You created this situation so dry those tears ASAP and let’s go back to the party. Drunk freak!
4. Kiss people they are not allowed to kiss
I don’t know why but whenever someone gets drunk, it seems like they only want to make out with the people who are completely off-limits. You could go to a bar and have 30 potential make out partners, but the person who is the most appealing to you is someone like your best friend’s crush. Does drinking make us evil? That’s what I’m beginning to deduce from writing this piece. Anyway, I remember when I was 17 and threw a New Years Eve party at my house, my high school boyfriend ended up making out with two people that night. I was obviously devastated and slightly confused (they were both girls) and I didn’t believe that alcohol was a justifiable excuse for a forbidden smooch. As I get older, however, I’ve become a bit more relaxed about the whole thing. Is a secret drunken make out sesh really that big of a deal? I’m talking about if the people were complete randoms—not close friends or a potential crush. Is it a big betrayal? When people get wasted, they eat a footlong chicken parmasean sub at 4 a.m., get into fights, and can generally act completely contrary to their sober personality. Something like a frowned upon smooch doesn’t sound that crazy by comparison. But maybe I’m just a sad tragic figure who doesn’t mind getting cheated on occasionally? #DARK
5. Become angry/sad/sublimely happy in the span of ten minutes
Everyone could be diagnosed with a case of diet Bipolar disorder when they’re wasted because alcohol has a tendency to take you on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute you’re drowning in a sea of happiness and the next you’re just drowning. You’re crying in some bodega to the owner about how no one will ever love you and buying some Cheez-Its wondering how this could have happened. Four hours ago, you were a sober prize taking your first shot and excited about the night ahead. Now you’re confiding to Pepe about your deepest darkest secrets and asking if he has any weed. Alcohol can punk you like that. It will be like, “I’m going to take you on a funny crazy ride and then drop you off on the corner of Darkness and Tears. Bye!” Personally, I’ve only gotten “dark” drunk twice and both times revolved around someone else’s penis. Drinking to make yourself feel better is probably the worst idea imaginable because it’ll just magnify what you were feeling sober. The next day, you’ll feel physically sick and full of regret on top of your depression. No.