Dear Gay Dude: My Girlfriend Won’t S My D!

Dear Gay Dude,

I’ve been with this girl for the last few months and she’s pretty awesome. She doesn’t take any shit, she makes me laugh and she has an amazing body. Our sex life is pretty phenomenal too except for one major detail. She NEVER gives me head. One night, she grazed the tip with her tongue, but then quickly got out of there. What’s the issue? Is my dick offensive? How do I suggest she suck my dick without coming off like a creepy asshole?

-Blowjobless

Dear Blowjobless,

As a gay man, I’m privy to all sorts of information about straight girls. Remember, they come to me to talk about your dick and any other sex issues, and here’s what I’ve learned throughout the years: Girls don’t really like to give blowjobs. I mean some of them do and if you happen to find one of those girls, you hold on to her tight, okay? In general though, straight girls view blowjobs as something you only do on a special occasion. Perhaps if they had a dick and knew what it felt like to have a mouth on it, they would be like gay men and want to give them all the time. But, alas, they don’t so it’s merely a job to them, which you can’t blame them for. Giving a BJ is an exhausting process and I suggest you try doing it before you judge a girl for abstaining.

But here’s how to increase your odds. First, do you go down on your girlfriend? If not, you don’t need a Nancy Drew to figure out why she’s dissing your dick. You need to give her private parts some one-on-one Sade time too. Otherwise, why the hell should she do the same for you? I’ve spoken to a lot of girls with vagina shame who give their boyfriends head without getting anything in return. And they’re like, “I don’t like it when he does it. It’s gross. He doesn’t need to do it. I don’t want him to!” This defense is so sad. Of course you like getting eaten out. There’s no way you don’t. Seriously, it’s just not possible. You just don’t think you like it because A) you have some deep-seeded issues with your lady parts. Maybe you think it’s ugly or smells weird. To which I say, what do you think a penis is? A work of art? Our genitalia always has the potential to look terrifying, but we get over it because we care more about someone touching it and making us feel good. Or B) your boyfriend doesn’t know how to eat you out. He tries with gusto, but he fails miserably and you just can’t deal with it so you tell him you don’t like it.

Try eating your GF out and if she’s like, “OMG NO!” you have to be like, “I love you and your vagina. Just sit back and relax!” and do the damn thing. Afterwards, she’ll be grateful and most likely give you head. In the odd event she’s not reciprocating, just ask her flat out if she can give you a blowjob. I know it’s not ideal, but communication is key. Tell her what’s up (besides your dick) and be like, “It would be really great if you could do this for me.” If she still takes a pass, she’s a selfish lover and so not worth it.

God, I really hope this advice gets you a great blowjob. Good luck!

Love,

Gay Dude