There’s a lot of things that can bring a relationship to its knees, most of which are buried in my mind. The kind of things I’m not aware existed in my psyche until suddenly I am so consumed by them, so within their grips that I’m not sure how or why I got here. I don’t even know why I feel sick, why my breath has caught in my throat or why I feel, for want of a better word, “crazy.” I just do.
These things, these toxic thoughts- insecurity, paranoia, jealousy feed off of the power I give them. They get stronger, louder, more convincing. They tell me that I am no good, that you will cheat, that that female friend is not just a friend, that you will leave me.- Of course you will, what have I possibly got that would make you stay? Nothing.
And I’ve realized after hours, sometimes days of trying to analyse my irrational thoughts, that insecurity is the dominant force. That not feeling worthy of love is what creates these other, ugly anxieties. I am in constant fear that you’ll leave, that I won’t be good enough. That I’m not smart enough or pretty enough or into enough of the same things as you.
I worry that some incredible woman will come along and be all of the things I am not and you will be gone. And I would have been right this entire time, I do not deserve to be loved.
And it’s dumb and it’s damaging and it turns me into this horrible version of myself where I say insane things and act in insane ways and sometimes, on my worst days, I almost want you to prove me right, I want you to cheat because at least then, I can stop the worrying and the anxiety and the controlling.
It’ll be over, I’ll be done.
Because it’s exhausting, honestly, being inside my head on the days when it is a tangled messed of crazy thoughts with no route which can be severed, and I haven’t slept because the images are so intrusive my brain cannot rest, I pray for an ‘off’ switch.
I just wish it would stop, I wish I could be ‘the cool girl’ but I am not. I never will be.
And I know I am difficult to love, I know I am tiring and challenging and stubborn. I know I am not always my best self and sometimes I expect too much of you but I am asking you to love me anyway. I am asking you to know all of this, see all of this, try to understand it somehow and love me anyway.
Love me for the 4AM cuddles and the random kisses on street corners. Love me for the declaration of my feelings and my fearlessness in chasing what we have. Love me for the good morning texts, the goodnight phone calls and my desire to get to know the parts of you that you keep hidden. Love me for trying, for challenging my thoughts, for wanting to be better.
Love me, sweet boy, because I am trying.
For you, I will always try.