My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) April 28, 2014
Accurate Microsoft would feature my mom clicking on something then yelling "goddamnit what just happened?"
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 18, 2014
For the longest time I thought my mom, dad and cat all had the same handwriting. Then I found out she was just signing cards for them.
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) June 15, 2014
I know my dad is looking down on me and smiling, because he just slam dunked on me and is hanging on the rim
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) August 17, 2013
Started a game of hide and seek with my dad 20 years ago haha he's the best where are you man
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) August 24, 2012
For Mother's Day my mom wanted a grandchild. For Father's Day my dad wants Obama impeached. This is why I constantly feel like a failure.
— Twitnter is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 15, 2014
If my dad were alive today he would say, "Tracy stop telling people I'm dead".
— TM (@tracy_marq) June 20, 2011
My mom is going to be soooo jealous when she finds out how many other people I let criticize and hurt me deeply.
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) June 4, 2014
Sometimes I feel confident & unstoppable, & other times I remember my parents can read my twitter feed.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) June 8, 2014
Only god and my mom can judge me.
— Mae (@mzeld) May 30, 2014
When I was 5 I'd light my mom's cigarettes. My 5yr old just offered me banana bread, pulled it away & asked, "Can you eat nuts? All kinds?"
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) June 14, 2014
You can find me up in the club, trying to fix my parents' wi-fi
— Musky Lozenge (@LostCatDog) June 7, 2014
If you're looking for someone to be Facebook friends with, my mom shares The Long Island Medium's inspirational photos everyday.
— david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) May 29, 2014
Hey babe, are you my parents' concept of The American Dream? Because damn I think you’re unattainable.
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) May 31, 2014
My mom defiantly parks in these spaces citing the 35+ years I haven't lived up to her expectations. pic.twitter.com/wEW3ahG4qj
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) June 10, 2014
Accidentally texted my dad "have a hood day" and he shot three people
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) March 30, 2014
I was trying to think of the wisest thing my dad ever said to me but his words that echo through my head the most are "Sounds like a scam."
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) June 15, 2014
Anything can be a sport if your dad yells at you enough
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) January 21, 2013