When you’ve just come out of a break-up, the last thing you need is another inspirational quote or a friend that wants to talk in a sad voice while slowly rubbing your back and staring at you like they’re watching the first ten minutes of Up. You need to laugh and maybe throw a rock at his window. Instead of committing a crime, let’s go with the laughter option. Here are 20 hilarious tweets on dating that will make being single seem not that bad after all.
When I fast-forward commercials & I go 5 seconds too far my girlfriend reacts as if I’ve just shot her in the face.
— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) July 17, 2011
today I saw my ex so I quickly picked up my phone & shouted HELLO, BEYONCE? BEYONCE FROM THE HIT MUSICAL GROUP DESTINY’S CHILD? then I ran — Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) October 29, 2013
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious — Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 14, 2012
I’m too tired to do a lap dance. How ’bout I just sit on your knee and you do the horsey thing?
— Giselle (@letsgetgizzy) July 6, 2011
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
— Tricia (@Im_Tricia) October 4, 2011
90% of a relationship involves tolerating how fucking weird the other person is. — Mae (@mzeld) March 16, 2011
Now that gay marriage is legal in New Jersey, my mother can complain that I can’t find a nice Jewish woman to marry either — Shira (@shiraselko) October 21, 2013
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) September 17, 2013
Sometimes relationships don’t work out because of timing, but most of the time it’s because someone is an asshole.
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) October 17, 2011
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop. — Miah St. Cyr (@MiahSaint) October 22, 2011
GIRLS DONT EVEN REALIZE HOW BAD THEY WANT ME TIL WE BECOME FB FRIEND & THEY SEE ALL 200 OF MY PROFILE PICS ARE ME MID-RIDE ON ROLLERCOASTERS — Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) October 30, 2011
Romance: During lovemaking you ask your gf to put her finger in your butt. She does & when she pulls it out there’s an engagement ring on it
— blake (@Leemanish) October 15, 2013
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) July 18, 2012
Sexy trick: sit on your hand til it goes numb. Then, gently caress your head with your own limp hand. Shhhh. Go to sleep. You’re beautiful. — Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) April 23, 2013
Remember, every six cats equals one boyfriend. — Trevor S (@trevso_electric) November 15, 2012
A flirty thing to whisper to a guy checking out your butt is “I keep poop in there” but don’t forget to wink or it won’t work
— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) October 8, 2013
In a fight with your spouse? Never go to bed angry. Stay awake forever. Wander the Earth as a Sleepless Monster eating children’s dreams.
— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) December 12, 2012
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going. — Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) January 31, 2013
Babies are made when a boy puts his mommy issues gun into a girl’s daddy issues holster. — LBJohnson (@ladybirdj) December 3, 2010
I wish instead of reading “it’s complicated” people’s relationship statuses just said ” I’m fucking a guy who won’t call me his girlfriend”
— Jenny Mollen (@jennyandteets) December 16, 2011