First off, let me say that there is no bigger fan of Home Alone than myself. I’ve seen it more times than you’ve probably seen your mother’s face so trust me when I say that I’m not slamming the movie in any way. After a while, you start to notice things that don’t really make sense or that have gone somewhat unnoticed. I know you’re all about to say that you have too much time on your hands and my answer to that is I could not agree with you more. Here’s a look at 8 things that always bothered me in Home Alone.
1. Kevin’s Mom Did All of Her Traveling For Nothing.
You know at the very end of the movie when Kevin has those sweet moments with his mom that’s quickly interrupted by the arrival of the rest of the gang? It seems nice, but do you realize that means she did all of that nightmare travel for nothing? She asks how they got back so soon and Peter tells her that they simply waited for the next flight. She laughs and they all hug, but I would have lost my mind. While they all sat in a nice hotel being fed shrimp by Uncle Frank, she spent thousands of dollars and gave away her dangly earrings just to arrive 30 seconds early. I seriously would have thrown a shoe through a window.
2. Old Man Marley Brought It On Himself.
We find out halfway through the movie that Old Man Marley isn’t a shovel carrying murder that turns his victims into mummies, but rather a misunderstood old guy who just misses his family. Here’s the thing; he brings most of that judgment upon himself. When he runs into Kevin at the store, instead of just speaking to him like a normal, function member of society, he slams his hand down on the counter. Oh did I forget to mention that his hand is covered in bloody bandage? What were you doing, Marley? Maybe you should get that looked at by a doctor instead of visiting your corner drug store for a beard comb or whatever you were buying. Anyone in their right mind would be horrified of you, pal.
3. This Was NEVER Mentioned Again?
I know that Kevin thought he made his parents disappear, but the fact that he battled a duo of criminals and defended their home against hardened criminals it never came up in conversation? I would have bragged about this for the rest of my life and used it as a warning to Buzz so he knows never to mess with me again. Oh you’re going to feed me to your tarantula? I smashed a pair of criminals in the face with paint cans. You probably shouldn’t mess with me.
4. What Kind of Store Sells a Toothbrush Not Approved by the ADA?
Sure Kevin panicked and ran out of the store with a toothbrush, but I think the storeowners are overreacting just a bit. There’s no way that thing cost more than $1 and that’s in ‘90s money. Why don’t you save your attack dog, Jimmie, for an actual criminal, like the home invaders lurking in your neighborhood. By the way, I spelled his name with an “ie” instead of a “y” as a sign of disrespect. You heard me, Jimmie. The real question is what kind of third world flea market are these jokers running that sells a toothbrush not approved by the American Dental Association? You probably sell fake Gucci purses and illegal, exotic pets in the back of that crime hole, don’t you?
5. Kevin Has One Big Flaw.
So I’m to believe that Kevin, a child, can, not only build a Saw-like series of traps and snares to stop some grown men from robbing him, but he can also simulate an entire house party using only toy trains and Michael Jordan cardboard cutouts? I can accept this, but you mean to say that with all of this knowledge he doesn’t know how to pack his own suitcase? This kid cooked a macaroni dinner, which, we all know, requires boiling water and measuring ingredients. How can he do this but can’t figure out how many pairs of jeans he would wear in a week? I believe in you, Kevin. You should believe in yourself.
6. Those Police Officers Should Be Fired.
The McCallisters arrive in France after realizing they had forgotten Kevin. They immediately call the police, of course. After explaining that a child has been left unattended and could be in need of medical assistance, the police begin to jerk her around like she’s being ridiculous. Oh I’m sorry that I’m a little upset that my child is alone on the other side of the country from his family. Once they convince these terrible officers to investigate the home, this fella goes to the door, knocks a few times, and then tells her to count her kids again! What!? I would sue everyone involved with that branch and press charges for criminal neglect. What if he’s choking or seriously injured? You have permission from the homeowners to enter the house, but you don’t do it? Unbelievable.
7. The Wet Bandits Crime Level Quickly Escalates.
After Kevin unleashed his arsenal upon Marv and Harry, they eventually catch him. Now remember these guys are petty thieves. Not only do they start talking about murdering Kevin, but they start talking about how they are going to bite off his fingers. We’ve gone from stealing home goods to cannibalism? Luckily Old Man Marley arrives just in time to hit them with a shovel and save Kevin. God knows what would have happened if he got there 2 minutes later.
8. Don’t Accept Rides From Strangers in the Back of a Moving Truck.
I know it’s John Candy and we all love him, but seriously kids, don’t accept rides from a strange group of men offering to drive you cross country in the back of a moving truck. What part of this sounded like a good idea? This is worse than getting in the car with those fake cab drivers at the airport in New York who offer you a ride but make you feel like you’re entering the movie Taken. Thanks goodness for Uber cabs so we don’t have to worry about this ever again.