Wow. I was a bit nervous for him at first, but “The Situation” really stepped up the alpha to muscle man Ronnie, especially with the whole complete loss of control freak out thing. Notice that the dude actually half-drools half projectile-froths at one point.
Get a job at a chain of boardwalk stands through a guy who sold your dad weed a few times. Spend the summers being accused of ripping off tourists and drunk guidos, come up with an endless stream of smart-ass reasons why you can’t “just give me one” of your prizes, which depending on where you’re stationed could mean CDs, sports plaques, Phantom Menace merchandise or half-cartons of cigarettes.
Get into a drunken fight with them at a nightclub and scream “You know what you did!” just like Lauren and Heidi did on The Hills. Your lover won’t actually have done anything wrong but they’ll be so confused and also drunk that they’ll apologize and maybe cry and you’ll have amazing sex and your ~~~love flame~~~will be kept burning.
Bey is kicking goals, and “1 + 1” is a testament to The Queen and her team’s unwavering creativity, impeccable judgment in excess and restraint and their innate ability to capture the zeitgeist in a way that is both accessible and aspirational.
I’m glad that dress fits so well. I remember how you had your eyes on it at that sale at Forever 21, and this other girl picked it up, and when she put it down to clean off her glasses you grabbed it and paid for it and ran out of the store without even trying it on. That was such a good story.
We’ve gone over this already. Are you purposely daft, or are you actually this stupid? Oh, and yes, excuse me for charging you for work that I did. I don’t need to eat or anything.
This is for you, little brother, on your 18th birthday, and for all the other little brothers and sisters who are being asked by life to please leave childhood behind, thank you very much.
Maybe we’re laughing about how are we going to get necessities like Bloody Mary drinks this weekend to veil, a little bit, our anxiety about what would we do if anything really bad happened. And do we know how to make those life or death calculations, and would we mean something a little bit more than we do if we had to?
When the topic of Aaliyah comes up, I’m always hesitant to admit that I only got into her music posthumously because it makes me feel like less of a fan. But I realize now that that’s silly. Whether I got into her when her first album dropped or yesterday, there’s no shame in the discovery. What matters is that I adore her music.
15. Paul Rudd’s entire filmography, in one (1) DVD box set, alphabetized except for the film Wet Hot American Summer, which should go on top of the box set and be leaned against one (1) can of Goya Pinto Beans.
The place could be a city, a job, a relationship. The place could be California. Wherever you are, it is beautiful and you don’t want to be there. Distrust the reasons that lead you here. Read an article about how the clinically depressed are more realistic. Trust that instead.
I don’t really like driving. I’d rather ride. In the summer with the windows rolled down and gusts of warm air rolling in, smelling like dirt, but not in an unpleasant way, or bundled up tight in the winter with the heat up high enough to make it cozy and drowsy inside – either is fine by me. I do prefer the nighttime though.
I’m an elven Liv Tyler steeling against a wraith—if you want me, you can come and claim me. I’m not even packing Hobbit over here, I’m just waiting casually for you to cross whatever obstacle you see in your path. See, I’m tired of touching your thigh just this way, or placing my hand over yours just so; I want you to romance me.
So I’ll tell you what I want what I really, really want. It’s a simple request, rooted in an appreciation of the arts, a desire to question the boundaries of reality, and a love of sparkly things. I want more movies like Spice World.
Call the person you have a crush on and be like, “This impending hurricane really reminds me of the hurricane I have in my heart for you. It’s like a Category 5 and I’m about to blow over. So can we have sex later?”
Now, lots of people have made jokes at the expense of these three artists. And I’m not necessarily here to bury Vanilla Ice; I’m hopefully here to praise him. Because to me, “Ice Ice Baby” along with “The Right Stuff” and “U Can’t Touch This” were the pinnacle of recorded music. I could not listen to it enough.
To me, being a hipster means being a twentysomething who wears cute clothing and likes sort of alternative music. The definition has become so watered-down throughout the years that it holds no real meaning. It’s just a giant blanket term for young people in our generation.
Perception is temporary and strange. What did I even do for dinner before I was with her? With certain people, this weird sense of loss stretches to encompass not only how they behave but their entire identity.
While dating someone who loves you, you fall for your hunky boss, who’s in college, and sure, you’ve only known him for like, two days, and yeah he’s your boss, but he’s pretty dreamy so… what boyfriend?
We were not joined at the Twitter feed. We could not trawl each other’s photos online or see the places to which we were both ‘checking in’. We were not in constant textual contact—because none of these things were the communicative signifiers they are now.
The lead up to the Video Music Awards on MTV is always a time of personal reflection — not only on how removed I’ve become from the popular music of the day, but also on what videos I might pick for the various awards that are up for grabs, if in some Bizarro universe someone actually gave a shit about my opinion.
This is the “I’m so hungover. Don’t look at me! Wait, look at me! I’m going to take a picture of myself hungover and post it and be like, “Wait, I’m so gross!” picture.
Can we be honest about the “crazy ex-girlfriend” thing? We all know that’s an urban relationship myth, right? I have a theory: the kinds of guys that talk about having “crazy exes” are crazy-making. Dudes love to complain about having crazy exes, except no one is crazy in a vacuum. People become crazy when you exhaust their ability to be sane.
But writing can tend towards the deadpan. Which is one reason I like punctuation so much — it’s the emphatic and the gestural within language. Of course, punctuation is not the only means of emphasis and gesture. Word choice, rhythm, syntax: these are quite literally what make prose pop and move. Still, the keen use of punctuation can make the deadpan sing.
So you’ve decided to use drugs. Okay, not “use.” “Using” drugs sounds like something a lesion-covered hobo does in a dumpster. You “do” drugs. Sometimes. Hey, it’s cool, no judgment here. I’m not your dad or anything, I can hang. And don’t worry, no matter what your drug of choice, there is a simple, foolproof justification at the ready–provided you know it.
Bisexuality exists. So does homosexuality, and heterosexuality, and pansexuality, and I-fall-for-who-I-fall-for-sexuality, and other sexualities, so let’s stop telling people what they feel is invalid.
This is the “I’m too high to even be on Photo Booth. What the hell am I doing? Oh my god, I’m so hungry and high. Hates it. This camera is cool though. Makes me feel more high. Wait, what?” picture. Bonus points for wearing tie dye because then you can call yourself a stoner freak in the caption.
1. Enter the diner. Do not buy a gumball. Do not try to win something in the claw machine. Do not pick up a complimentary copy of Auto Trader. Great minds through history have made it through meals sans Auto Trader. You will soon join their ranks…
You’ll begin to make a list of every sentence they start with “Did you know,” and you’ll fall in love with the subsequent argument. You’ll learn about colors, about anatomy, and about the introverted mind. You’ll learn to look at the sky more often; you’ll learn that there are infinite shades of green in a single blade of grass.
A new kind of relationship seems to have sprung from online dating and technology, which is The Two Week Relationship. It’s when you date someone from anywhere to two weeks to a month and then decide to drop off the face of the planet.
I’d come up with an idea, type it out, and send it around the internet before I really thought it out. The ladies on Myspace loved it. I’ve since come to the understanding that I’m not a poet, which is okay. I don’t want or need this title, I just need to recant some of the ideas I had so that others won’t adopt them.
Crushes make us feel good. They distract us, give us something to hope for, and occasionally make us smile. When we have them on someone who’s unavailable, they give the impression that we’re taking a stab at moving on. “Hey guys, look at me! Feelin’ feelings again!”
My time at the diner was brief. But in that time I learned many things, some worthwhile (how to prepare Eggs Benedict, how to enjoy whisky milkshakes) and some not-so-worthwhile (where to reliably find extra ketchup packets on the supply truck).
Wait, did I miss the memo? When did we transition from college meals of spaghetti tossed in an Adderall reduction sauce to kale salads, market veggies, and seitan? I mean, I’m all about eating healthy because it makes you happy and skinny and is, like, good for you and stuff.
I go to the grocery store and eschew all delicious desserts and salty snacks, opting instead for celery and fat free yogurt. In the cereal aisle, I put down the Fruit Loops and pick up the Fiber One. I go to the mall and buy new running shoes, sometimes even going as far as to break them in with a nice easy jog around my neighborhood one night. I buy a bathroom scale and cut out a picture from a magazine for “thinspiration.”
Seeing my face come towards his, he immediately started writhing in pain. I asked him what was wrong and he gave me the weirdest response I’ve ever heard during a potential hook up: “Um, I have Lyme disease and it causes me to have severe body aches.”
It is then that a decrescendo occurs and a cold stream runs through you as you remember that monumental fight you two got into, retreating into your corners of the ring, waiting for the other to send the first SOS, the first apology, the first admittance of wrongdoing.
Before the first dish is (accidentally) shattered, I promise myself this time it’s going to be different, this time I will be leaving this space with fewer boxes than I brought in. It’s almost cute how sincerely I believe that I’ve finally managed to outgrow my hoarding ways, just by willing it to be true.
Cut to Alcide bursting into the hall where Sookie is lying in Vampire Bill’s guts, trying to hug what is left of him as she sobs hysterically. Eric is standing over her, still shirtless and enchanted. People are still running around screaming. Alcide launches towards Eric and engages him in battle. As they fight, Eric’s pants get ripped off. The fight lasts for half an hour and it’s pretty sexy.
It’s been rumored that certain lesbians have tried to escape West Hollywood, only to mysteriously disappear. Most don’t even think to try it because the second they leave their incestuous pool of lesbian friends, they start to melt and become disoriented. “Does Santa Monica have a lesbian coffee shop? I must have my coffee made by a lesbian…”
In which this Chinese contributor proposes some “ethnic-cred” to this enterprise while conceding to being somewhat subjective, and hungry.
1. Chalk it up to your roommate having wild sex
2. Wonder if the men doing construction down the street really, really screwed up
3. Do nothing but watch a half-full glass of water quiver, Jurassic Park style
Day by day, bits of my weekly stipend were going missing; I always had less than I remembered. Gradually, over a few weeks, I came to the conclusion that someone in my host family was methodically stealing nominal amounts of cash from my wallet either when I was sleeping or when I went to take a shower.
Perhaps the most unrealistic aspect of the show was Carrie’s lax work schedule. Homegirl only had to write one column a week in a crappy newspaper and still managed to make rent, buy designer clothing, and eat out at fabulous restaurants. No wonder she had to whore herself out to Mr. Big.
As the food (including my salad, whose dressing was at least 50% bacon) arrived, Jesse explained a prank that he and Jessica had recently started perpetrating at friends’ weddings.“We leave an anonymous gift,” he explained. “It’s always a real piece of junk. Then we get some terrible card and sign fake names. Then when they open it, they’re like ‘Is that your cousin?’ ‘I thought that was your cousin.’”
I love California, how spread out and relaxed everything is. Ditto with the moderate temperatures, West Coast hip-hop, and my spacious, well-lit, suburban house. Pretty much everything that New York has proven not to be so far. Plus, I’m a proud momma’s boy. It seems I left my heart in San Jose.
The night was just coming to life, highlighting a moon crescent that was perfectly incomplete. There she was alone, standing on the edge of the shore, holding on to a half empty bottle of beer like it was a prop. Obviously, she was trying to ignore the maddening monotony of those stupid love songs that were being played on a nearby bar that sold cheap brandy.
As time went on, I learned more and the piano followed me into my adolescence, the distant and contemplative melodies of Debussy accompanying heartbreak and the spritely sounds of Mozart celebrating success in a dancing, laughing tone.
At the end of the ninth grade, I snuck out of my friend Ashley’s house during a sleepover. We put Cabbage Patch Kids in our beds, covered their faces with sheets and left their hair sticking out on the pillow. We left a “Sounds of the Ocean” CD playing because we thought the waves sounded like breathing. Ashley had met two Marines at the beach the weekend before, and they were waiting in their car for us down the street. I was terrified.
Since the movie was about to start, I realized I wouldn’t have time to capitalize on your breaking the ice on this subject, but I hope you don’t mind that I’m doing it now. I just figured I’d send you my list of deal breakers, just to make sure we’re on the same page. So here they are, in no particular order.