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What I Learned About Closure And Why It Doesn’t Really Matter

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God & Man

I may have gone a little crazy with closure lately. I’ve always been good at letting things go and not asking why because I didn’t want to look so desperate. Because I’ve always been told that I shouldn’t ask too many questions when it comes to someone else’s feelings but I’m just not wired that way. I want to know everything when it comes to someone else’s feelings, especially if I’m in the equation. I deserve answers. I deserve to know why.

So I went back and asked a few people the questions that were burning me, and even though some answers didn’t convince me, some answers were just pure lies and some answers were honest, I learned that at the end of the day, whether you get closure or not, it doesn’t really change the situation, the outcome or someone else’s feelings for you.

The truth is closure just shows you that the person has enough class to communicate with you instead of ghost you but it doesn’t really change their mind or their heart. They made that decision long before actually taking it. They made that decision long before they even talked to you about it.

The main reasons, in my case, were either work, distance or someone not being ready for the commitment I wanted, but based on the history I had with each of them and what I found out about them later, these were nothing but excuses because shortly after, they either dated someone else or reconnected with their exes.

And that’s when I realized that those who fail to give you closure are those who are still looking for closure themselves.

They’re confused. They’re lost. They’re still trying to win an ex back. They still want to date someone who fulfills their fantasy (someone with a dream job, or a certain look, or a certain degree…etc.) They’re all concerned about something else or someone else. They’re distracted. They’re not thinking clearly. They don’t see things the way you see them because they’re still engrossed in some unfinished business from their past so they fail to give you what you’re looking for in a relationship and they fail to give any kind of sound and reasonable closure.

And that’s when I learned that even if you get your closure, it truly won’t make a difference because the person giving you the closure you’re asking for is already lost. Their answer won’t help you or give you the realization you’re looking for. Their answer will probably not make sense to you because it doesn’t even make sense to them. Their answer is just a way to make you feel better and make them feel less guilty about abandoning something that could have been great. Their answer says nothing about you.

So while it feels better to get closure, it really doesn’t make any difference, because most of the time, it’s not honest or genuine or realistic. It doesn’t really make moving on easier. I think we only obsess over closure because we feel like it wasn’t our decision, we weren’t ready for it and we just feel like hearing it from another person would magically take the pain away. But it doesn’t.

And what I really learned about closure is that you don’t need it. You don’t need an apology from someone who gave up on you. You don’t need to hear someone pinpoint why you’re not right for them. You don’t need to hear lies from someone who wasn’t invested enough to stay and work things out. You don’t need someone else measuring your worth and making you feel like you’ll never get it right.

You don’t need closure. Trust me. You don’t need someone who isn’t strong enough to love you. You don’t need someone who can’t even face you and tell you why they had to walk away. You don’t need closure. You just need to close some doors without ever knocking back on them. TC mark

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.

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