After All This Time, I Still Wish It Was You

Thought.is
Thought.is

Every time my phone beeps, I wish it was a message from you because your name is the only name that can put a smile on my face.

Every time someone tells me they miss me, I wish I could hear these words from you because it’s only meaningful when you say them. You’re the only one who’s allowed to miss me.

Every time someone asks me out, I wish you could just come back and take me out instead. I wish it was you sitting next to me asking me all these deep questions about my life. I wish it was your voice, your body, your eyes and your heart.

Every time someone asks me to dance, I remember you and suddenly, I can’t move. Suddenly, I can’t enjoy the music and suddenly, I don’t want to be touched.

It’s crazy, isn’t it? How years could pass by and you truly believe that you’re completely over a person but then something happens that makes you remember them and it all comes back to you, like nothing has changed, you can feel the intensity of their love the way you felt it in the beginning but the pain numbs you all over again.

How can you control your memories? How can you control your emotions? How can you control your heart? How can I stop wishing it was you? How can I stop wishing for you when you’re the only one I want?

I keep trying. I keep putting myself out there. I keep giving chances to those who make an effort, those who show up, those who are willing to love me, yet I can’t get myself to love any of them. My heart is not allowing me to let anyone else in. My heart only has room for you and sometimes it convinces me that you’re coming back. That it will still be with you. That there’s no point in trying with anyone when I’ll end up with you.

My heart keeps telling me it’s you. My heart keeps asking me to wait because it’s only a matter of time before you walk back into my life and stay. My heart keeps telling me that we’re meant to reunite — that we’re meant to be. 

And even though my heart is vulnerable, tired and confused, it still knows something I don’t. It still moves me. I still listen to it even if it’s irrational and absurd.

I still look for you in everyone else. My heart still looks for you in everyone else. I still wish it was you every time. I still think it’s going to be you one of those days.

Sometimes, when I can’t sleep at night, I look at the stars and pray that you’re on the other side, looking up at them, still wishing it was me too. TC mark

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.

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Rania Naim

Writing makes me feel alive. Words heal me.

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