Rachel Hodin

I traded a shoe for a bowling pin and the secret knowledge of how to get into the goblin kingdom.

Was that you, Sam Goudie, who visited me in my nightmare last night? Cloaked in a black veil, you called yourself death. When I asked to see your face you de-robed yourself, projectile vomited on me, and screamed “YOLO Bitchez”.

You have to feel bad for this person, as much as their tweet or status update makes you want to thrust a rusty nail into your cornea.

One time I farted on an ex-boyfriend’s head, and it was awesome.

6. Are we human or are we Franco?

“Explicit” and “Show Me More,” art exhibits that displayed dick pics of unwilling men, in an attempt to answer the question of whether porn can be art.

A priest had killed a beautiful 15-year-old schoolteacher.

Like the polluted, magenta-hued New York sunset best visible when driving west on the LIE, the craziest girls are often masked in beauty.

For reasons unknown, a predilection for scientology is often accompanied by closeted sexual preferences.

I for one have never had a drunken night of dancing that ended well.

A woman is jealous only when she has nothing, but I who am the most loved of all women, what can I be jealous of?

5. You are Drake and your guy friend is Amanda Bynes.

In my opinion, she’s cursed with reverse Sarah Jessica Parker syndrome.

Throughout the day he only consumed toast and coffee—50 cups of coffee to be exact.

“I will cover you with love when I see you, with caresses, with ecstasy.”

He asks you how spin class was…even when you made it abundantly clear you were skipping spin class to go to Googa Mooga.

The days of “caring is sharing” are long gone. We’re in a recession here.

We’ve all been there. A year into your relationship, your boyfriend has gotten oh-so-comfortable, at the expense of his figure. Frankly, I think it’s unfair.