1. You talk about other guys and he gets weird. Just weird.
2. No matter the time or the place—you two could have just bumped into each other at a bar at 7pm—at the drop of a hat, he will go home with you to smoke.
3. Every time he gets drunk he tells you he loves you and makes shit awkward.
4. You bump into each other at the train station—he’s going uptown, you’re going downtown. He hops on your train.
5. You are Drake and your guy friend is Amanda Bynes.
6. He buys you anything—that means a drink, a coffee, a single ride metro card. Anything.
7. When he takes out his wallet, he makes sure you notice the magnum condom (“for decorative purposes only”) peeping out.
8. He shows immense concern when, and only when, you develop a food allergy and as a result your face is temporarily disfigured.
9. He sends you videos of puppies saving cats.
10. When you tell him you’re too hung over to come over for brunch he’s all, “It’s cool, you can just have a mimosa and sit on my face.”
11. He pokes you. Which reminds me, what happened to Facebook poking? Can someone bring that back?
12. He starts chumming around with your family; thinks that’s a way in.
13. He makes fun of the way you dance (or so I like to think).
14. He sends you a dickpic. Yes, an admittedly less subtle approach, but a sign nonetheless.
15. He invites you to Sleep No More.
16. On G-chat, he’s always typing, then entering text, then typing, then entering goddamn text.
17. He tells you he hates you in makeup.
18. He’s asked what color your panties are more times than he’s asked what your plans are.
19. He gets up and leaves mid-conversation when your story starts, “So my boyfriend…”
20. You’re the only one left out of your group of friends that he hasn’t slept with.