1. Kate Upton
Yeah, I said it. One day she’s completely irrel and the next she’s the poster woman for hot girls everywhere. What happened? I thought this look died with Pamela Anderson 10 years ago. Oh yeah, and she seems to be missing a pair of hips.
2. Eva Longoria
It’s high time we put this little troll to bed. I for one never thought she was hot. Not when she was a housewife and we weren’t yet privy to her alarming dwarfish features, nor when she was married to Tony Parker. Then she just had to top it all off with a fedora—which, by the way, I don’t think she’s taken off since.
3. Cameron Diaz
In my opinion, she’s cursed with reverse Sarah Jessica Parker syndrome. Whereas SJP à la Girls Just Want To Have Fun and early Sex and the City negates her current equine features, Cameron Diaz’s increasingly bloated face and general decline obliterates any trace of hot Cameron à la There’s Something About Mary and The Mask. Sorry I’m not sorry.
4. Katie Holmes
Where to begin, where to begin…Perhaps with your fake marriage? Out of which came a REAL child? Or maybe your unceasing fickleness with Casey? And tell me, what did Chris Klein ever do to you aside for love you unconditionally?
5. Victoria Beckham
At this juncture I think it’s safe to say that Victoria Beckham is not human. I remember once reading that her snack of choice is a pack of dried mini prawns. And who remembers that stunt she pulled at last year’s Super Bowl wherein she feigned paralysis?
6. Karlie Kloss
Make no mistake! Karlie Kloss looks great in Céline! But I’m just really not into that whole bony, lipless look. Plus, for reasons unknown, she eats onions as one would typically eat an apple.
7. Zooey Deschanel
Zooey, I dare you to 1) look more like a deer in headlights, 2) sound more annoying on your She & Him albums, and 3) never star in a commercial again. And no, I’ve never seen New Girl.
8. Allison Williams
I find it revoltingly typical and downright simple-minded when guys tell me that the hottest actress on Girls is Allison Williams. Every group of girls needs a basic bitch, and she’s it. I will say that her bod looked spectacular during that sex scene with Hannah’s gay ex-boyfriend, but barring that, I find her to be just as, if not more annoying than Gilbert Gottfried.
9. Carey Mulligan
Another notch on the basic bitch belt for this one. And I’m going to say what no one else has the balls to say: moles abound.
If a dollar bill sign figures prominently in your name, you are trash. No two ways about it. To be honest, there are so many distractions on that girl’s face and body, I don’t even think I know what she truly looks like. From the fake tanner and hair extensions to the braids, glitter, piercings, and feathers, she’s like a walking Buzzfeed.