1. Finishing a book.
The last book I read was 2666 by Roberto Bolano. It’s 900 pages long and it took me months to finish because I could never find a time or a place where i could lose myself in the story for along period of time. The moment I brought 2666 into the bathroom with me was a come-to Jesus moment; a eureka moment. I just thank god that Bolano isn’t alive to read this.
I’ll be honest: I didn’t even realize my penchant for Tindering on the toilet until the other day when I thoughtlessly said to my friend, “Brb, gonna go tinder on the toilet.” It was then that it occurred to me how often I do this, and potentially why I do it too.
I’m an all-or-nothing gal, so when I submit myself to online dating, I really go all-out. I utilize all the advantages online dating has over dating IRL — you can do it at work, while naked, while farting and, best of all, while on the toilet. It makes me feel like the lucky lady on a modern-day Singled Out, except the throne they used to sit in is now a toilet.
3. Exploring the deep recesses of Etsy and eBay.
If it wasn’t for my toilet and my willingness to multi-task, I might never have developed my Etsy and eBay addiction. It’s an obsession, yes, but one that’s actually laid bare Etsy’s impressive collection of vintage clothes. Because only on the toilet does one have the patience to sift through every eBay and Etsy store that contains at least one item of Jean Paul Gaultier.
4. Conjuring up witty responses or rejoinders.
The patience I spoke of in the previous activity is the essential ingredient to this one: thinking up with witty rejoinders. And once you stop to think about it, it makes complete sense. On the toilet you typically have loose bowels; you’re all loosey-goosey, with all your juices flowing, in prime condition to conjure up witty retorts. It can also provide a wealth of material for those in favor of toilet humor.
5. Calling Time Warner Cable.
I’ve found there’s no better time to make that dreaded Time Warner Cable call than on the toilet. For starters, you’re relieving yourself, thus making room for more patience — something you’ll no doubt need when the person on the other end of the line starts speaking like an automaton. And yet, no one in the world can summon up enough patience for the notorious TWC call, which brings me to my next perk of making this call on the toilet: you have an outlet for your anger. There’s just something about letting your pee drown out the sound of “Now Rachel, for only $12 a month extra, you can sign up for our…” that immediately abates the rising anger and frustration.
6. Social media stalking.
Whether or not it’s more fun to do on the toilet is secondary to the paramount fact that we are exceedingly, incontestably better at social media stalking while on the toilet as opposed to when we’re not. I’ve excavated people and events from past lives — found things you didn’t even know were possible. I found the CV of my first ever boyfriend’s new girlfriend — and I don’t even think about that ex! Whenever I’m on the toilet I always think about what my life would be like as a detective.
7. Playing games on your phone.
A no-brainer, but still worth repeating. To this day I’ll see friends walk into the bathroom without so much as a post-it pack. In what can only be described as hasty decision-making and poor-planning, their phone rests idle and alone on the couch as they sit on the toilet alone and naked — just their solitary self — wholly unaware of the possibilities that await a life in which you bring your phone into the bathroom with you.
I like to call Reddit the Internet’s grundle and so it only makes sense that I would choose to pursue such a pastime on the toilet. I don’t know quite what it is about Redditing on the toilet — it just works. There’s no place you’ll feel more at home reading an AskReddit thread about true incest stories than on the toilet, I can tell you that much. And it’s nice to know you’re not alone too — Redditors being infamous for Redditing from the toilet.
Annotating, by its very nature, can only take place in solitude and quietude, which makes the toilet an exceptional spot for this activity. I can’t tell you how many Shakespeare plays and Foucault essays I’ve marked up while on the toilet. As I like to say: clear colon, full brain, can’t lose.
10. Arguing with your mom.
Sometimes if I’m arguing on the phone with my mom I like to relocate, jazz things up a bit and take the conversation into the bathroom. It’s really therapeutic to turn on speaker phone and mute, rest the phone somewhere safe, and then flush the toilet about 8 times. Then, pick up the phone, un-mute it, say “sorry mom, you’re right. Oh and I love you,” and suddenly you’re scot-free.