I can’t find the words to express how sorry I am. I am deeply sorry for pulling the rug from under your feet, for turning you upside down, for taking away the one thing you’ve held on tightly to – my heart. I am so sorry for breaking yours.
I won’t try to justify my actions by saying you had a hand in this too. We may have pushed each other to the edge, but I was the one who chose to walk away. I did not realize how that tore you apart – that you truly loved me, so much so that despite the heartaches I’ve caused you, you would still take me back.
I thought we could just pick up where we left off. I didn’t anticipate the fact that the pain I’ve caused you has changed you. That you are not the same person I walked out on. That in your most vulnerable moments, you can hurt me because you are still hurting. That you won’t put your suitcase away because you worry one day I’ll kick you out of my life again. That every time you see my face, you remember how I coldheartedly told you I was moving forward – without you. I forgot that when I let you down I betrayed your trust, and that your walls went back up.
I downplayed it for a while, because recognizing it meant acknowledging my guilt. The truth is, it crushed me too.
Barely anyone knew the real you. You hid behind your jokes, behind your smiles. You were someone with a big heart, yet that heart was so fragile. You were broken, and, as people who knew us used to say, I was the glue that kept you together.
You may have taken baby steps, but you started walking towards the path to healing. You were making progress, weren’t you? While me, I ran for the door, taking with me everything you worked hard for. That is my life’s biggest regret – seeing you lose yourself again, revert to your old ways. What hurt the most was knowing, this time, your pain was caused by me. I was the only person you trusted, and I deserted you.
So tell me, how do I apologize to you, when ‘sorry’ is not anywhere near enough? How do you want me to respond whenever you tell me that what I did to you hurt like hell? That nothing, or no one, back then could muffle the noise of your breaking heart?
If only I could take my heart out, it would tell you how much I regret hurting you. It would tell you, this time, I’m never letting go. And just like how you gave me time and space to heal on my own, I’ll help you heal too. But you do not have to do it alone. I’ll be with you every step of the way.
I still do not know exactly how I can make it up to you, but one thing’s for sure. If I could take my heart out of its cage, I’d trade it for anything that could make yours whole again.