100 Simpsons Quotes, In Order Of Importance

  1. “Lisa, if I’ve learned anything, it’s that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”*
  2. “Sorry mom, the mob has spoken.”
  3. “…A little help?”
  4. “So I said to myself: what would God do in this situation?”
  5. “The goggles, they do nothing!”
  6. “And I’m not easily impressed — WOW, A BLUE CAR!”
  7. “Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun.”
  8. “Lisa, I’d like to buy your rock.”
  9. “My son’s name is also Bort.”
  10. “We’re here! We’re queer! We don’t want any more bears!”
  11. “There’s an angry mob here to see you, sir.”
  12. “It’s just like I’ve always said: Democracy doesn’t work.”
  13. “I’d kill you if I had my gun!”
  14. “Let’s fight.” “…Them’s fightin’ words!
  15. Freedom! Horrible, horrible freedom!
  16. “You’ll pick many a bean.”
  17. “Woozle wazzle?”
  18. “Stupid like a fox!”
  19. “Maybe there is no moral. Maybe it’s just a bunch of stuff that happened.”
  20. “I’m about to convene another meeting… in bed.”
  21. “…Jeremy’s iron?”
  22. “‘Learned,’ son. The word is ‘learned.'”
  23. “I see you’ve played knifey spooney before.”
  24. “D’oh!” “A deer!” “A female deer.”
  25. Elementary chaos theory shows that all robots must inevitably run amok.”
  26. “And that little boy who no one liked grew up to be… Roy Cohn.”
  27. “…Again? This stupid country.”
  28. “In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the women, then you get the money.”
  29. “Tramamampoline!”
  30. “It was a pornography store. I was buying pornography.”
  31. “Yes! Crisertunity!”
  32. “There’s bound to be a little splash-back.”
  33. “Three simple words: I am gay.”
  34. Simpson, Homer Simpson/ He’s the greatest guy in history/ From the/ Town of Springfield/ He’s about to hit a chestnut tree.”
  35. “Ahoy ahoy?”
  36. “Lord Palmerston!” “…Pitt the Elder.”
  37. “Are these idiots getting louder or dumber?” “…Louder, sir.”
  38. “I really like the vest.”
  39. “That’s the funniest anecdote that I’ve ever heard! Now, why don’t you tell one?”
  40. “Well, we hit a slight snag when the universe collapsed in on itself.”
  41. “Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!”
  42. “What was I laughing about? Oh, yes. That crippled Irishman.”
  43. “You’ll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?”
  44. “She’s faking it.”
  45. “My god! It’s like a party in my mouth and everyone’s invited.”
  46. “I’m fired, aren’t I?”
  47. “Don’t criticize the boat!”
  48. “Disco Stu… likes disco.”
  49. “Yes! In your face, space coyote!” “…Space coyote?
  50. “Worst… episode… ever.”
  51. “Up and at them!”
  52. “Aw! Look at that little baby axe!”
  53. “Yeah, well, we saved your asses in World War III.”
  54. “Because he gets results, you stupid chief!!!”
  55. “There’s an adorable little boy here to see you sir.” “…Release the hounds.”
  56. “Well, Homer. I earned your respect. And all I had to do was save your life. Now, if every other gay person could save your life, we’d be set.”
  57. “Now they’ll never save your brain, Hitler!”
  58. “This is a dog who gets biz-ay. Consistently and thoroughly.” “…So he’s proactive?”
  59. “How ironic.”
  60. “That does it! Go to your room!”
  61. “There is one more way to kill a man, but it is as intricate and precise as a well-played game of chess.”
  62. “We need a name that’s witty at first, but that gets less funny each time you hear it.”
  63. “In case you didn’t real-ize, I was being sarcastic.”
  64. “Now, I don’t care, nothing’s going to stop me in the middle of this sente — LEMON TREE?!”
  65. “Mr. Simpson, I don’t use the word ‘hero’ very often. But you, sir, are the greatest America hero who has ever lived.”
  66. “You’ve crossed the line from regular villainy into cartoonish super-villainy.”
  67. “I wish they wouldn’t scream.”
  68. “Put it in ‘H’!”
  69. “Sure, the Germans have made a few mistakes, but that’s why pencils have erasers!”
  70. C’est Troy bien!”
  71. “Dig up, stupid!”
  72. “It looks as though the fox has been caught by exactly the person who was trying to catch it.”
  73. “The Lincoln Squirrel has been assassinated!”
  74. “FOX turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually, I didn’t even notice.”
  75. “Stop, stop! He’s already dead.”
  76. “Truly, yours is a butt that will not quit.”
  77. “Come, family. Let us all bathe in TV’s warm glowing glowy glow.”
  78. “My boy is a box! Damn you! He’s a box!”
  79. “You might say, there’s a little Uter in all of us.”
  80. “No beer and no TV makes Homer go something something.”
  81. “Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?!”
  82. “Aw, there’s always a canal!”
  83. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have stopped to get that haircut.”
  84. “Keep watching the skis!”
  85. “I filched it whilst you weren’t looking. And when your back is turned, I’ll do it again.”
  86. “I like the way this Snrub thinks!”
  87. “…I was saying ‘Boo-urns.'”
  88. “I felt such a feeling of power, like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.”
  89. “Show business is so horribly repetitive. I’ve said the words ‘jiminny-jilkers’ so many times that they’ve lost all meaning.”
  90. “So one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh?”
  91. “Good thing I drink plenty of… malk?”
  92. “This town is a part of us all, a part of us all, a part of us all.”
  93. “Well, that’s certainly specious reasoning, Dad.” “…Thank you, honey.”
  94. “Marge, my pet, I haven’t learned a thing.”
  95. “I call the big one ‘Bitey.'”
  96. “Wow, with a cool dry wit like that, I could be an action hero.”
  97. “I noticed that he was wearing sneakers. For… sneaking.”
  98. “…You’re in direct competition with each other! Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!”
  99. “They’re getting away… very slowly.”
  100. “…If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my room.”



Long explanation to justify this list: …So, this is a list of Simpsons quotes. I tried to do the list not in order of famousness or funniness or awesomeness, but in order of the quotes that… haunt my brain. Hence, the “important” tag.

It goes without saying that the Simpsons is mostly responsible for my world-view. I know this because ideas pop into my head, but when I reverse-engineer them, laboriously, hours later, I realize that they’re Simpsons quotes.

So I have ideas that I no longer even think of as being Simpsons quotes; that’s how ingrained they are. …It’s the same way that we use quotes in our day-to-day life without realizing that they come from, say, Shakespeare or the Bible. …Like, when you say “I’m at my wit’s end,” do you really pause and think: “Hey, I’m quoting the Psalms!” No. You do not. Or when you say, “He’s living in a fool’s paradise,” are you thinking: “Yup, that’s Romeo and Juliet.” Again: no; you don’t.

I have to pause and remember that I’m stealing stuff from the Simpsons almost every time I speak. When I make a joke like, “I’ve said [blank] so many times, it’s lost all meaning,” that’s me quoting the Simpsons, though I don’t realize it. And I mean, I must have used the word “proactive” in about 1,000 jokes in my lifetime; it would never occur to me to use the word seriously. But making fun of that word isn’t my idea; that’s the Simpson’s idea. So anyway — to restate — above are the quotes that are most “important” to me, in terms of shaping my world-view.

“…Simpsons did it.” We’re all living in a Simpsons universe now. The Simpsons has infected my world-view, and all of our world-views. We view things through a reflexively sarcastic and ironic lens, these days, and the Simpsons is responsible for most of this. It’s hard to remember how shocking the Simpsons’s style of humor was when it first came out. A little kid screeching “Stop, stop! He’s already dead!” as someone is beaten to death… that’s a joke? Well, yes. In the right context, it is.

I was a little kid during the 80s, and during the 80s, we were not ironic or particularly sarcastic. If you need an example of this, how about — um, random example — how about, say, the movie Top Gun? That’s sort of the ubër 80s movie, and it’s also a totally absurd, non-self-aware movie without an ironic bone in its body. You couldn’t make a movie like that today; because our entire sensibility has changed; due in large part to the Simpsons. If you made Top Gun today, you’d have to throw in some ironic, “meta” type humor, just to puncture the balloon of your own self-importance.

The Simpsons created this habit of ingrained self-mockery; I happen to think that’s a great thing. And it is, for better or worse, part of the culture that we live in now. Anyway, that’s my essay to justify my silly list; put your favorite/most important Simpsons quotes in the comment section below. God, I left so many things out; I know, I know, and misquoted stuff; I know. (*Especially the first entry — “Lisa, if I’ve learned anything…” — which apparently I’ve been misquoting for years; but I left it misquoted, because that’s the way that I hear it in my head.) …Anyway, in conclusion; I know, I know. Worst… Thought Catalog… article… ever. …See what I did there? TC mark


More From Thought Catalog

  • Chesty LaRue

    marry me, oliver.

  • http://circlemeetsline.com Marisa Siegel

    THIS is what it feels like when doves cry.

    • http://www.facebook.com/oliveramiller Oliver Miller


  • ndmartinxyz

    Marge, I’d like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.

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  • Laura Powers

    I think I’m in love.

  • anon

    this is an invitation to post simpsons quotes that aren’t already posted, yes?

    “you suck, mcbain!”

    “so i says to mabel, i says…”

    “bonjourrrrrrrrr, ye cheese-eating surrender monkeys.”

    “aww, it’s mr burns… KILL IT! KILL IT!”

    “everything’s coming up milhouse!”

    “it’s like i’m wearing nothing at all! nothing at all! nothing at all!”

    re: the name ‘max power’: “hey! great name!” “thanks. i got it off a blow dryer.”

    • Josh

      so i says to mabel i says! hahaha knew all of these on that list but that one I had forgotten. Brillian

  • fruitcake

    gym? what’s a gym?
    oh, a gym

    • Mindy Simmons

      I love this quote!

      • Ay Caramba

        Haha one of my favorites!!!

    • Michael Koh


  • H

    “I’m no missionary, I don’t even believe in Jeebus!…..Save me Jeebus!!”

  • Kate

    “ow! my freakin’ ears!!”

    • steakhouses


  • AllyMae

    The Kwik-E-Mart is real D’OH

  • B

    ‘They are speed holes. They make the car go faster.’

    ‘You don’t make friends with salad! You don’t make friends with salad!’

    ‘Skinner says the teachers will crack any minute, purple monkey dishwasher.’

    ‘I’ve been calling her Crandel!’

    I thought of more while reading yours and just can’t remember them now. Damn.

  • Al

    “are you gonna eat that all by yourself??” …. “Pinchy would’ve wanted it this way!”

  • Mindy Simmons

    “Garage?! Ooh, la, la Mr. Frenchman.”
    “What do you call it?”
    “A car hole.”

    • Greg

      “That Sherman sure does love his fresh air. None of that for me, though!”

  • Dennis Lyxzén

    Professor: As I always say, out with the old, in with the nucleus.
    Classroom laughs, Homer looks blankly.
    Professor drops his lecture notes, Homes laughs hysterically.

    Also, I don’t know why but I have been quoting this scene from the Simpsons for years.
    Marge to Homer: Wow, that bartender really does look like John Travolta
    JT: Yeah, looks like.

    • Greg

      Uhhh. Probably a terrible coincidence, but are you the Dennis Lyxzén from Refused or are you just being witty?

  • Greg

    You choo choo choose me?
    Stupid, sexy Flanders!
    I am so smart, I am so smart, S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T
    “You ever seen a guy say goodbye to a moccasin?” “Yeah…once.”

  • Hank Scorpio

    And I, for one, would like to welcome our new insect overlords.

    • http://www.facebook.com/oliveramiller Oliver Miller

      “Professor, without us knowing anything else, would you say that this is a good time for us to… panic?”

  • http://liberalinsight.wordpress.com Joshua Dixon

    the response to 100 – “what kind of catchphrase is that?!”

  • michaelwg

    “Here in America, we don’t tolerate that kind of crap sir” –The Marine that punches homer for continually hopping back and forth into the U.S embassy in Australia
    “Ok pie, i’m going to do this *chomp* chomp* and if you get eaten, it’s your own fault”
    “I’m the king of the world!” –Homer, right before he falls into the canyon attempting a skateboard jump
    “April foo–” —Bart, as the beer explodes projecting him out the window and into the street.
    “………….” —-Maggie

    • Greg

      “Daddy” – Maggie.

      That episode makes me tear up every goddamn time.

      • Bort

        That episode where Homer covered up the Don’t Forget, You’re Here Forever sign with pictures of Maggie, ultimately to make the sign say “Do It For Her” made me tear up a bit.

  • Mindy Simmons

    “Feels like I’m wearin’ nothin’ at all, nothin’ at all, nothin’ at all!”

    I keep thinking of good quotes so I’m posting about a million times (or, you know, two times…)

  • jon

    Some of these arent accurate. for instance. “In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the women, then you get the money.” is incorrect. http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1198892/guarding_sugar/

    • http://thoughtcatalog.com/ Oliver Miller

      Right; I mentioned in the essay that I misquoted some from memory. I like it better that way.

  • Mindy Simmons

    “This counts as a bath!” -what I say every time it rains, but I think my friends think I’m serious and they never laugh

  • Jack

    “Duff Man is thrusting in the direction of the problem!”

  • Danaynay

    “Aim low. That way, when things don’t work out, you’re not disappointed.” Marge words to live by!

    Also, I like your conclusion: that the Simpson’s are at least partially responsible for our world view. Interesting thought! I’m going to watch Top Gun with this in mind now. haha

  • Sam

    By the way, Homer, what’s your least favorite country? Italy or France?

    • http://www.facebook.com/oliveramiller Oliver Miller

      Yes. “…No one ever picks Italy.”

  • anon

    “hi, super nintendo chalmers!”

    “my cat’s breath smells like cat food.”

    “le grill? what the hell is that!?”

    • Beans

      Me fail English? That’s unpossible.

  • http://thebriandonovan.wordpress.com Brian Donovan

    “Bake ‘Em Away, Toys…Do What The Kid Said” is clearly the best Simpsons line ever.

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