I would start this letter with a simple hello, but you and I both know hello rhymes with hollow for a reason, especially when it comes to us. So instead, I’ll start with this. I’m sorry for hurting you. Now before you roll your eyes and leave this here, I’d like to clarify something. This is in no way a letter full of excuses, trying to explain what I did to you or why I did it.
This is a letter just to say, I am deeply, deeply sorry for the way I hurt you, the way we left things and the way I abandoned you to be suffocated by pain I caused you, suffocated by your feelings.
The truth is, I was selfish. I was selfish and angry and conceited enough to think that it was all right for me to treat you in a way which was deplorable. I should have thought things through, thought about you and the aftermath of the chaos I was causing in your life but the only person I was thinking about was myself.
I will never be able to forgive myself for leaving you the way I did. Crying, lost, looking a little like a deer caught in the headlights, and I just left you there – the cruelest thing you could ever do to a human being who loves you deeply. And I know you loved me, I know just how much you loved me now, I don’t think I deserve someone to love me that much ever again after what I did to you.
I know what you’re thinking. This isn’t about redemption either. Because there is no redeeming myself from the way I treated you, and you have every right to hate me if you do.
I just want you to know, you haunt me. Every night I fall asleep to the memory of your laugh, your smile, the way you held me close and all my worries seem to fade. Every night I have nightmares of your broken hearted face when I destroyed our love in one fell swoop of my arrogant sword, telling you I deserved someone better – I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to realise that my someone better was already with me.
My someone better was you.
I am not going to insult your kind nature here by asking for a second chance. I don’t deserve one. After all, how can you trust someone who walked away from you when you needed them most? Our love would always be marred by the memory of my betrayal, my abandonment. All I would like to ask of you is this: I hope this letter finds you happy.
I hope the day I hurt you is a distant memory and you are with someone now who deserves you for everything that you are. I hope I have not damaged your ability to love them as open heartedly as you loved me. I hope the person you love now treats your love like it is the best and most powerful thing that has ever happened to them.
But most of all, I hope your heart and soul have completely healed from the callous way with which I treated you.
I want you to know that the way I treated your love will forever haunt the corners of my heart, my mind and my soul.
I want you to be happy because you deserve it more than anyone I have ever know.