For a while, it bothered me – the thought that no matter who I was with or how much they loved me, I would always be the person in the relationship who loved most. As a young girl, I was taught to believe that the best relationships were ones in which the guys loved the girls more, the ones in which they fought harder to keep you happy than to keep you around, but with age came the realization that I would never be one of those girls. I would be the one who fought harder, laughed louder, smiled wider, and loved most, but now I know it’s okay to be that person. It’s okay to love more.
When I first started dating my current boyfriend John, I thought, “This is it. This guy is going to be the exception to my circumstance.” By the second week, he was already starting to say things like “you’re an angel” and “I can’t believe you chose me”. We would text all day and Skype all night. It freaked me out a little, to see someone doing the things for me I would normally do for them, but I liked it. I wanted him to be the exception. I wanted him to be the one who loved more.
Then, as time went on, I came to recognize that I had become the person who loved the other most in our relationship. I would do things for him like drive to his house, which was about 30 minutes away from my dorm, just to drop off a basket of medicine, snacks, and pick-me-ups when he was sick. I would stay up all night just to listen to his problems. I would be the first to text “good morning”. I would do all these things not only because I loved him, but for the first time, it was okay for me to do these things for someone; and for the first time, I realized it was okay to be the girl who loved more than the guy.
You see John didn’t have the upbringing I did. I had parents who told me every day they loved me, spoiled me even with hugs and kisses and sweet, loving words. John had parents; and that was about it. Over time, when I came to understand how much our experiences differed, I also came to understand why I was the more loving person in our relationship. That’s when I realized this:
All of us have a purpose in life. For some, it’s to be a pioneer, an inventor, a warrior, a visionary…for me, it’s to love as I have been loved. It’s to give the abundant love I received as a child to those who weren’t as lucky as I was. John is one of those I was meant to love.
So I may always be the person who loves most in a relationship. I may always be the one to give more, feel stronger, and love harder, but I’m okay with that because what’s important is who you choose to give your love to. He may not love me more than I do him and he may not do the things for me I’d do for him, but that’s okay. It doesn’t make him less deserving. It just means there’s a lot more love I have left to give.